thanksgiving. we're supposed to give thanks. but how can i when my mom is in a nursing home suffering from Alzheimer's? and my dad is lost without her?
this is the first holiday without my mom being home. there was no prepping the food.there was no turkey roasting in the oven at 6:00 this morning. there was no homemade bake beans (only cooked once a year). no homemade bread. no stuffed mushrooms, no artichokes, no anti pasta, no yams, no stuffing, no salad, no mashed potatoes, stuffing, no home made pies, apple & raisin squares but more importantly there is no sense of family.
since my mom was affected w/this awful disease my family has become broken. my sister and i don't talk. i'm not allowed to speak w/my niece.
my dad and i went to visit mom today and on the drive there he said in a choked up voice, "this is the first time j isn't here for the holiday." i realized that too when i woke up this morning. i didn't have a comment.
we got to the nursing home round 10:30. mom was her usual sedated self. we went downstairs to get off that floor. it really is depressing. 'round 11:45 we went back to her room to get her ready for lunch. around noon time my sister, niece and my niece's friend came barging in. we exchanged grunt that were supposed to be happy thanksgiving. and then my sister just starting yammering on about nothing. at 12:15 it was time for all 3 of them to leave. it seems they had somewhere IMPORTANT to go. what is more important then spending time with your family?
look, i'm no saint. far from it, and i admit i HATE being there. HATE. HATE. HATE. i dread the weekends but its an obligation not a death sentence i see it as an act of love. this is mom. but the sister had to go.
my dad said, after she left that she was happy that they left b/c my mom was becoming agitated. there was too much noise for her.
we left the nursing home 'round 1:30. we had reservations for a thanksgiving dinner. we left the restaurant probably just before 2. there really isn't anything to talk about with my dad. he really didn't want to be with me. i'm just a substitute for my mom and a poor one at that. & to tell you the truth i didn't want to be with him. i wanted to be with my family. my entire messed up family. b/c that's what the holidays are about. not this loneliness & lost that me and my dad are feeling.
it's true what they say about Alzheimer, it's the long good-bye.
christmas is right around the corner and that' was even a bigger celebration in my household then thanksgiving i wonder how we are going to survive that. but i guess if we survived thanks giving we will survive christmas.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Preoccupied
ever since mom went into the nursing home, 6 months ago, i've been preoccupied w/death and dying, dying and death. and it has gotten the best of me. i'm forever in a foul, pissy-ass, nasty mood. oh sure, every once in a blue moon i'm "happy' but those are moments, nano seconds, and they are few and far between.
this whole thing has me angry and scared. mostly scared. i don't feel as though i'm prepared for it. how does one prepare for the death of one's parent? what do you do? yeah, my dad has told me, but telling and doing, two different things. i feel as though i'm going to fail.
& i don't know how to break this cycle. how do i get out of this funk? how do i stop worrying and start living again? am i going to wait until my parents are gone before i allow myself to be happy and to start living? that can happen in a few short months or it could be years! i don't want to wait! i want to be happy again. i want to live again. i want to be that care-free girl who likes to make people laugh. i want, i want, I WANT!
so how do i stop thinking about death and dying, dying and death? i'm opened to any suggestions.
another thing that has my mood in the toilet is the love life, or lack thereof. i really need someone in my life. someone who will take my mind off my parents and let me focus on her for awhile and she also has to be able to put up with my sudden bitchiness.
it sucks being single when the rest of your friends are involved with someone. you always feel like the third wheel. don't get me wrong, i'm happy for them. i'm also a little jealous. okay a lot jealous. not because they are in a relationship, but because i'm not. i want to be in one just right now.....i have more excuses than God has miracles as to why i'm not.
i really do need an attitude adjustment
this whole thing has me angry and scared. mostly scared. i don't feel as though i'm prepared for it. how does one prepare for the death of one's parent? what do you do? yeah, my dad has told me, but telling and doing, two different things. i feel as though i'm going to fail.
& i don't know how to break this cycle. how do i get out of this funk? how do i stop worrying and start living again? am i going to wait until my parents are gone before i allow myself to be happy and to start living? that can happen in a few short months or it could be years! i don't want to wait! i want to be happy again. i want to live again. i want to be that care-free girl who likes to make people laugh. i want, i want, I WANT!
so how do i stop thinking about death and dying, dying and death? i'm opened to any suggestions.
another thing that has my mood in the toilet is the love life, or lack thereof. i really need someone in my life. someone who will take my mind off my parents and let me focus on her for awhile and she also has to be able to put up with my sudden bitchiness.
it sucks being single when the rest of your friends are involved with someone. you always feel like the third wheel. don't get me wrong, i'm happy for them. i'm also a little jealous. okay a lot jealous. not because they are in a relationship, but because i'm not. i want to be in one just right now.....i have more excuses than God has miracles as to why i'm not.
i really do need an attitude adjustment
Sunday, September 9, 2007
God Made A Mistake
My Godmother passed away.
On Friday afternoon my dad called and told me that my godmother had passed away on Thursday. This came as a huge shock. She had been sick for quiet some time. She has been living w/hepatitis C for more than 2 decades but still. She got Hep C b/c she had a colonoscopy and since they weren't testing blood back then she developed Hep C.
During the phone call dad told me that Aunt Angela had been in and out of the hospital since June. She was dehydrated, losing weight and developed diabetes and her liver couldn't handle it. She died basically, of blood poisoning. She was 66 years old.
What I thought after the phone call w/my dad was that it should have been mom who died not Aunt Angela. God had made a mistake. It should have been mom.
I know this is a horrible thing to think, say and type but I believe it to be true. God had made a terrible mistake. In two weeks Aunt Angela was going to become a first time grandmother. A grandmother to identical twin girls. How can a loving God do that? She had been looking forward to becoming a grandmother. And now???
When Iwent to the wake on Saturday I kept thinking the same thing, it should have been my mom not Aunt Angela. Aunt Angela's mother was there and she couldn't believe it. Like the rest of us she was in total shock. I don't know how a parent can face the death of a child. It will be, thankfully, something I will never have to find out.
When I went up to the casket to say my prayer I asked Aunt Angela to look after my mom, to ask God to take her as soon as He was able. Mom is not in any pain, but the rest of us are. She is happy in her own little world. She is a one year old child w/o a care in the world. Doesn't know right from wrong. She is innocent.
I equate Alzheimer to an autistic child.
I hope that that when her grand-daughters arrive they will bring joy to my aunt's family.
And I still strongly believe that God made a mistake.
On Friday afternoon my dad called and told me that my godmother had passed away on Thursday. This came as a huge shock. She had been sick for quiet some time. She has been living w/hepatitis C for more than 2 decades but still. She got Hep C b/c she had a colonoscopy and since they weren't testing blood back then she developed Hep C.
During the phone call dad told me that Aunt Angela had been in and out of the hospital since June. She was dehydrated, losing weight and developed diabetes and her liver couldn't handle it. She died basically, of blood poisoning. She was 66 years old.
What I thought after the phone call w/my dad was that it should have been mom who died not Aunt Angela. God had made a mistake. It should have been mom.
I know this is a horrible thing to think, say and type but I believe it to be true. God had made a terrible mistake. In two weeks Aunt Angela was going to become a first time grandmother. A grandmother to identical twin girls. How can a loving God do that? She had been looking forward to becoming a grandmother. And now???
When Iwent to the wake on Saturday I kept thinking the same thing, it should have been my mom not Aunt Angela. Aunt Angela's mother was there and she couldn't believe it. Like the rest of us she was in total shock. I don't know how a parent can face the death of a child. It will be, thankfully, something I will never have to find out.
When I went up to the casket to say my prayer I asked Aunt Angela to look after my mom, to ask God to take her as soon as He was able. Mom is not in any pain, but the rest of us are. She is happy in her own little world. She is a one year old child w/o a care in the world. Doesn't know right from wrong. She is innocent.
I equate Alzheimer to an autistic child.
I hope that that when her grand-daughters arrive they will bring joy to my aunt's family.
And I still strongly believe that God made a mistake.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Mad/angry/frustrated
And that's just the tip of the ice burg. The only thing I'm not sure of is, who exactly I'm mad/angry/frustrated with. a lot of people is the first answer but I know it is really me. I'm lost.
I hate my job. I hate that people are cc' ed on e-mails that don't concern them and I want to know why. whatever reason they would give me I wouldn't believe it. I've talked to this person several times about it and they give the same old BS excuse B/c the boss said. & yet when i cc'ed their boss they got all upset. why is it okay for them to get upset but not me? someone please explain that.
I hate my job B/c I feel as though I have no respect. my anniversary just past and I'm the one who has to ask for a review and if I don't I'll never get a raise. a pitiful raise the same raise I have gotten the last four years. so I have to figure out how to do this. they don't care that I'm at work every %&#$$&_$&_ day at 8:00 and that i only take a 1/2 hour lunch 4 out of 5 times. that doesn't matter to them. but yet if i have to take an hour lunch and i come back 5 minutes after the appointed hour has ended i know damn well that an e-mail will be sent to me. that is such bs. i do my job, i do it to the best of my ability and for them to send an e-mail.......to me, that is just childish. and i want out asap.
mom and dad. dad and mom. they are in my life but no longer a part of it. dad is treating me like his surrogate wife and I don't want that. I want my own life. I want to be able to go out and not have to speak with him the next day and him telling me that I went out and what time I got home. I don't want to hear the problems he is having w/the dog. HE IS NOT TRAINING IT and that's why he is having trouble with. today he told me he wants to get rid of it. he has these grandiose ideas of how things will be getting better and yet when he has to work at something he doesn't and gets frustrated.
he loves my mom. he loves her more than anything else in the world. he wants to spend 24/7 with her, but the nursing home won't allow it. he is running himself ragged and I'm supposed to fix it. I've tried I've given him suggestions on what he should do. I told him to get the dog, figuring that it would keep him busy when he was tanning it. I was wrong.
now this week he is going camping. CAMPING! at 74 w/my sister and niece. and then he starts talking about getting an RV. wtf?!? he bought a boat that I told him not to buy and as soon as the last payment was due he decided that he didn't want it. then what I had to do to try and get his money back. I swear if he does get and RV I will have nothing to do w/him. I just can't. I want to live and I can't watching him every day.
I want to go out and have fun w/o worrying what is going on with him. I get it, he's lonely and he wants my mom. we all want my mom back but it's not going to happen. she has Alzheimer's there is not cure. no matter what my father says she is not getting better.
mom. mom who made everything work. who had a way about her. she was Mrs. fix-it. she was the voice of sanity in our insane world. she's no longer with us and I'm angry. not at her per se but god. Why? I know it has been said that god doesn't give you anything you can't handle but really I don't think this family can handle this.
one of mom's friend's past away this week. Being Catholic deaths, weddings, and births comes in 3's. I am praying that mom will be death #2 or #3. Horrible. I know but I think we will be so much better off. Alzheimer's is known as the long good-bye. and we've been saying good bye for 7 years now. it's time. maybe it's because I'm selfish and I don't want to deal with all this family drama but how longer can I go on living w/o really living?
it's time.
I hate my job. I hate that people are cc' ed on e-mails that don't concern them and I want to know why. whatever reason they would give me I wouldn't believe it. I've talked to this person several times about it and they give the same old BS excuse B/c the boss said. & yet when i cc'ed their boss they got all upset. why is it okay for them to get upset but not me? someone please explain that.
I hate my job B/c I feel as though I have no respect. my anniversary just past and I'm the one who has to ask for a review and if I don't I'll never get a raise. a pitiful raise the same raise I have gotten the last four years. so I have to figure out how to do this. they don't care that I'm at work every %&#$$&_$&_ day at 8:00 and that i only take a 1/2 hour lunch 4 out of 5 times. that doesn't matter to them. but yet if i have to take an hour lunch and i come back 5 minutes after the appointed hour has ended i know damn well that an e-mail will be sent to me. that is such bs. i do my job, i do it to the best of my ability and for them to send an e-mail.......to me, that is just childish. and i want out asap.
mom and dad. dad and mom. they are in my life but no longer a part of it. dad is treating me like his surrogate wife and I don't want that. I want my own life. I want to be able to go out and not have to speak with him the next day and him telling me that I went out and what time I got home. I don't want to hear the problems he is having w/the dog. HE IS NOT TRAINING IT and that's why he is having trouble with. today he told me he wants to get rid of it. he has these grandiose ideas of how things will be getting better and yet when he has to work at something he doesn't and gets frustrated.
he loves my mom. he loves her more than anything else in the world. he wants to spend 24/7 with her, but the nursing home won't allow it. he is running himself ragged and I'm supposed to fix it. I've tried I've given him suggestions on what he should do. I told him to get the dog, figuring that it would keep him busy when he was tanning it. I was wrong.
now this week he is going camping. CAMPING! at 74 w/my sister and niece. and then he starts talking about getting an RV. wtf?!? he bought a boat that I told him not to buy and as soon as the last payment was due he decided that he didn't want it. then what I had to do to try and get his money back. I swear if he does get and RV I will have nothing to do w/him. I just can't. I want to live and I can't watching him every day.
I want to go out and have fun w/o worrying what is going on with him. I get it, he's lonely and he wants my mom. we all want my mom back but it's not going to happen. she has Alzheimer's there is not cure. no matter what my father says she is not getting better.
mom. mom who made everything work. who had a way about her. she was Mrs. fix-it. she was the voice of sanity in our insane world. she's no longer with us and I'm angry. not at her per se but god. Why? I know it has been said that god doesn't give you anything you can't handle but really I don't think this family can handle this.
one of mom's friend's past away this week. Being Catholic deaths, weddings, and births comes in 3's. I am praying that mom will be death #2 or #3. Horrible. I know but I think we will be so much better off. Alzheimer's is known as the long good-bye. and we've been saying good bye for 7 years now. it's time. maybe it's because I'm selfish and I don't want to deal with all this family drama but how longer can I go on living w/o really living?
it's time.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
words that don't come easy for me
trust me
i love you
i promise
i have not yet said the above to anyone.
i know why the words "trust me" is difficult to say, i'm not sure it's true. & if i say those words i not only want you to believe in them & in me, but i also have to believe in them. i know what i am capable of, i know i can turn on a dime on someone, i believe in vengeance, an eye for an eye.
i have never said the words "i love you" to anyone that i was dating. i never felt that i did love them. and i'm not going to say something i don't believe in just b/c that person wants to hear them to make them feel better. it would be a lie, i would have to live with. and that's not something i want to live with.
the reason i don't make promises. is b/c i feel as thought cannot. there are too many uncertain variables. and i want to keep that thing i promised you. to me it's a vow. something i take very seriously. something i don't want to break. in my mind if i don't promise you but say i will try my hardest and it doesn't come to fruition and i know that i gave it 100% although i have failed you know that i tried & i didn't break the promise.
i know it may sounds as though i have high morals/values or that i'm totally off my rocker. but these are sayings that mean a great deal to me & i cannot simply say them until THAT one person comes into my life and makes me want to say them. say them with ease and without guilt. until then, these words won't pass my lips but i wish i could utter.
i love you
i promise
i have not yet said the above to anyone.
i know why the words "trust me" is difficult to say, i'm not sure it's true. & if i say those words i not only want you to believe in them & in me, but i also have to believe in them. i know what i am capable of, i know i can turn on a dime on someone, i believe in vengeance, an eye for an eye.
i have never said the words "i love you" to anyone that i was dating. i never felt that i did love them. and i'm not going to say something i don't believe in just b/c that person wants to hear them to make them feel better. it would be a lie, i would have to live with. and that's not something i want to live with.
the reason i don't make promises. is b/c i feel as thought cannot. there are too many uncertain variables. and i want to keep that thing i promised you. to me it's a vow. something i take very seriously. something i don't want to break. in my mind if i don't promise you but say i will try my hardest and it doesn't come to fruition and i know that i gave it 100% although i have failed you know that i tried & i didn't break the promise.
i know it may sounds as though i have high morals/values or that i'm totally off my rocker. but these are sayings that mean a great deal to me & i cannot simply say them until THAT one person comes into my life and makes me want to say them. say them with ease and without guilt. until then, these words won't pass my lips but i wish i could utter.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Beginnings (unedited)
Everything has a beginning, middle and an end. Here are my beginnings. Some day I may find the time to get to the middle and the end.
The first strike always surprises me. The shear force of the blow. The power behind it. The mark of my hand print on her luscious ass. I forget the power I feel. I forget the way my hand print lingers on her ass. The way her ass is pure white then turns to a dark red after the first strike. It feels good to know that I have this power and that she trusts me. I like to watch the color fade. I like the way she starts to grind and wiggle, wanting another one. She wants me to go at her pace and that's NOT acceptable. I will go at my own PACE. And right now i want to take it slow.
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I’m a top. I love to give my girlfriends spankings. I love watching their expressions and the feel of their bodies as I administer them their spankings. How their body starts to thrash about when I pull them over my knee and then when their body becomes slack after a good hard spanking knowing that they got what they deserved. I practically come when I see their ass change from a creamy white to crimson red. The jolt in my pussy as I administer the first of many smacks across their asses.
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Football and fucking what a game!
Me naked, you in your white flimsy boxers with your cock straining to get out. It’s waiting for me to give you a blow job. It’s my version of fantasy football.
Today is game day. We are sitting on the couch waiting for the game to begin.
Coin toss. You win and elected to receive as I knew you would.
Kickoff . You take your flaccid cock out of your boxes. I love your cock! I can’t wait to take it and feel it grow in my mouth. I lie across the couch. I have to ask, no beg for it. You love it when I beg. “Please Greg, please let me suck your delicious dick.” It’s more of a whine than a plea.
You ignore me. But your cock doesn’t, it twitches. I whine again.
Commercial. You give me a stern look. I have to be careful or else I will not have the pleasure having your dick fill me. As your fingers gently brush my shoulders, my back, my ass.
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HEADS OR TAILS
My orders were always the same: naked; pussy freshly and cleanly shaved; standing in the corner; and hands on head. This always gave me time to think of what my duties were going to be for that night while waiting for my Lover and Master to come home. Always waiting, the anticipation almost always made cum.
I heard the jingle of his keys and laughing too. Laughing? I panicked. Mike is bringing someone home with him? He has never shared me with anyone. We never discussed sharing me. I thought. Not that I had any say in the matter. I was his, to do with whatever he pleased.
As Mike and the mystery guest entered I heard Mike say, “See, I told you she would be in naked in the corner.” He came over to me and touched me ever so slightly that I got goose bumps. “You are such the obedient little slut.”
“Tonight I have a special surprise for you. Turn around and see who I brought home to share you with.” When I turned around I was shocked to see Gary. Gary and Mike have been friends since college. I’ve always had a little crush on Gary and told this to Mike. Tonight I was going to serve two of my favorite men. I became wet.
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Ice and fire
Submissive. My favorite state of mind.
Here I was tied to the bed and blind-folded. Waiting for the game to begin.
The voice, her voice, her soft, yet commanding sexy voice, “Ah, my pet. I love that you are so vulnerable right now. You are mine for the taking. And I will take you. I will have you. You are mine. I want you to always to remember that. YOU ARE MINE.”
I begin to get wet. She touched me. Her fingers grazing my face, lips, traveling down my chin to my throat, between my aching breasts, down my stomach to my pelvic bone and resting there. “Arching your back will not help you. I’m not ready to touch your pussy. You are not ready to come.”
I let out a cry of wanting.
She gets up from the bed.
The first strike always surprises me. The shear force of the blow. The power behind it. The mark of my hand print on her luscious ass. I forget the power I feel. I forget the way my hand print lingers on her ass. The way her ass is pure white then turns to a dark red after the first strike. It feels good to know that I have this power and that she trusts me. I like to watch the color fade. I like the way she starts to grind and wiggle, wanting another one. She wants me to go at her pace and that's NOT acceptable. I will go at my own PACE. And right now i want to take it slow.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m a top. I love to give my girlfriends spankings. I love watching their expressions and the feel of their bodies as I administer them their spankings. How their body starts to thrash about when I pull them over my knee and then when their body becomes slack after a good hard spanking knowing that they got what they deserved. I practically come when I see their ass change from a creamy white to crimson red. The jolt in my pussy as I administer the first of many smacks across their asses.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Football and fucking what a game!
Me naked, you in your white flimsy boxers with your cock straining to get out. It’s waiting for me to give you a blow job. It’s my version of fantasy football.
Today is game day. We are sitting on the couch waiting for the game to begin.
Coin toss. You win and elected to receive as I knew you would.
Kickoff . You take your flaccid cock out of your boxes. I love your cock! I can’t wait to take it and feel it grow in my mouth. I lie across the couch. I have to ask, no beg for it. You love it when I beg. “Please Greg, please let me suck your delicious dick.” It’s more of a whine than a plea.
You ignore me. But your cock doesn’t, it twitches. I whine again.
Commercial. You give me a stern look. I have to be careful or else I will not have the pleasure having your dick fill me. As your fingers gently brush my shoulders, my back, my ass.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HEADS OR TAILS
My orders were always the same: naked; pussy freshly and cleanly shaved; standing in the corner; and hands on head. This always gave me time to think of what my duties were going to be for that night while waiting for my Lover and Master to come home. Always waiting, the anticipation almost always made cum.
I heard the jingle of his keys and laughing too. Laughing? I panicked. Mike is bringing someone home with him? He has never shared me with anyone. We never discussed sharing me. I thought. Not that I had any say in the matter. I was his, to do with whatever he pleased.
As Mike and the mystery guest entered I heard Mike say, “See, I told you she would be in naked in the corner.” He came over to me and touched me ever so slightly that I got goose bumps. “You are such the obedient little slut.”
“Tonight I have a special surprise for you. Turn around and see who I brought home to share you with.” When I turned around I was shocked to see Gary. Gary and Mike have been friends since college. I’ve always had a little crush on Gary and told this to Mike. Tonight I was going to serve two of my favorite men. I became wet.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ice and fire
Submissive. My favorite state of mind.
Here I was tied to the bed and blind-folded. Waiting for the game to begin.
The voice, her voice, her soft, yet commanding sexy voice, “Ah, my pet. I love that you are so vulnerable right now. You are mine for the taking. And I will take you. I will have you. You are mine. I want you to always to remember that. YOU ARE MINE.”
I begin to get wet. She touched me. Her fingers grazing my face, lips, traveling down my chin to my throat, between my aching breasts, down my stomach to my pelvic bone and resting there. “Arching your back will not help you. I’m not ready to touch your pussy. You are not ready to come.”
I let out a cry of wanting.
She gets up from the bed.
Monday, June 25, 2007
PS 171 Don't Send Your Kids Here
June 25, 2007
Dear Ms. Mandel,
My name is Suzanne Zaifert, a former teacher at P.S. 171. It is my understanding that you are representing Mr. Pantelidis, the principal at PS. 171, on June 26, 2007. I would like to share my experiences with you, in hopes of impacting the way teachers are being treated at this school.
I am concerned because there is a pattern of mistreatment of teachers at P.S. 171. One example of mistreatment is the case you will be discussing on June 26th. The teacher who filed the grievance, was voted as TEACHER OF THE YEAR for the 2006-2007 school year, and for the past two years she has also been harassed by Mr. Pantelidis. She has worked under Mr. Pantelidis for the past eight years, and has been teaching first grade for the past sixteen years at P.S. 171. She is now is being forced to file grievances to stay within her current position. She was blindsided a couple weeks ago when her name was not slated next to the 1st grade position, (again, a position she has held for sixteen years,) only to be replaced by a brand-new student teacher. This is a student teacher, who backed out of the position being offered to her, when she realized the tense and uncomfortable situation she was walking into. This student teacher apologized to this Teacher of the Year, as well as the other teachers, and did not accept position. In the past weeks, teachers have come to this Teacher of the Year's defense asking Mr. Pantelidis, "Why was this done? What are you doing?" only to be dismissed and left unanswered.
The teacher that is tenured is one of the lucky ones, however, it does not undermine the stress and the tumultuous year that some of the teachers at P.S. 171 have experienced. During my year there, three of us were forced out, one of which had to seek out medical attention due to stress and anxiety.
Also, three science teachers, a fourth grade teacher, and a seventh grade teacher vacated their positions in the middle of the school year. Two of them went on spring break, and never returned to school again. To date, another four are leaving at the end of the year, finding teaching jobs elsewhere. Teachers would rather put their credentials on the line, than continue working another day under the constant duress at this school.
I have first-hand accounts of what these teachers are put through everyday. I was one of them last year. I was recruited from Los Angeles to work for the NYCDOE. I was a literacy coach, an experienced teacher with two masters, and received an Unsatisfactory rating as a teacher at the conclusion of my one year spent at P.S. 171. I have worked way too hard to have my passion for educating squashed by someone who has a personality conflict with me. As a matter of fact, I wrote to Mr. Pantelidis mid-year as an outreach to solve some of the issues that were personally affecting me at the school. Three weeks later I was brought up on charges I was not doing my job. I was shocked and surprised and had never received this sort of rating during my tenure as an educator, and therefore was unable to teach at another New York City school this past year. With my credentials and experience, I was doing my job to the best of my ability, with little or no sixth grade materials, and the huge lacking of administrative support.
I ask you, how many teachers with my credentials received a U-rating? According the union, none.
Again, I am writing this letter because several teachers at this school explained to me the madness that has ensued. My understanding is that that you have a meeting on Tuesday is in regards to a grievance of a preference sheet that was not received. When in fact, it was turned in. This is déjà vu, considering it was the same thing that happened to me last year. After being harassed, singled out in front of my peers all year long, to then find out suddenly my preference sheet for next year is the only one missing of the stack and being refused a second copy? Find it coincidence? I think not.
Where is the professionalism I know the NYCDOE hold so high?
Furthermore, several teachers including myself were under intense scrutiny of having Mr. Pantelidis in our rooms for over 90 minutes several times a week, only to have him joined by the assistant principal so they can have a whispering private conversation in the back of our rooms while we as teachers, continue to do our job. Incidences like this, would then be followed by a letter, placed in a red folder in your school mailbox, so that everyone in the school knows you got one, to be told how you not doing your job. I received several of those letters, in fact I have a stack about three inches thick of just red folders and letters. One letter I received stated I was teaching nothing at 9am, including math, Language Arts, social studies, or science. This was an outright lie. Once I received this letter, I had my students write down exactly what we did during the day, to protect myself from these lies, and I hold onto them today at the chance a judge will ask for them. Moreover, despite the allegation that I was not doing my job, my students scored in the 90th percentile on all their practice exams, yet the persecution never subsided.
Moreover, during my U-Rating hearing Mr. Pantelidis sent copies in a three-ring notebook down to the district without my permission or my signature, and as a result, and it's in the transcripts of my hearing, the truth was revealed that all of the paperwork that Mr. Pantelidis made up about me could have been thrown out. It was illegally placed in my file without my permission, however, I chose to address each one, proving my harassment, and unbearable year, I went through at P.S. 171
Can you even imagine coming into work everyday under that kind of stress? Well, I did and so do the other teachers, but I ask you, is it right? Is it bullying? Abuse of power? How long can it go on until the district recognizes this is a serious problem? Are you waiting for a class-action suit?
One of my harassment complaints is that I was left out of three grade level curriculum planning days where the teachers received substitutes, only to be notified that I would be singled out to receive special intense specific training, a threat that he never followed through with. I kept that letter too since it proves that I was treated with unfair and unequal practices.
In addition, did you know that a kindergarten teacher didn't come to school the last four days of the year last year? She felt so uneasy and strongly about an incident in her classroom where she was being accused of something that was untrue, and lacked the support of the principal, that she chose to stay in the safety of her own home for the remainder of the school year. She too found a job elsewhere, never to return at P.S. 171. That teacher is not alone in her feeling of being targeted, and not supported by the principal. I was forced to call the police last year, because I didn't feel safe either. I went to Mr. Pantelidis with the complaint of feeling unsafe and insecure on school grounds, and the answer I received was "So go call the police." The police came and reviewed the written letter of a parent and the behavior that ensued from that parent and asked me, "What is the child still doing in your class?" My only answer was, "good question. I have no idea." This is the same parent who used vulgar language toward me in which I was forced to have a closed door meeting with, while Mr. Pantelidis walked by three times, and never stepped in, but two male staff members had enough common sense to stand outside the door to protect me.
Again I ask where was the support of my administration? Why was I allowed to be in harms way? Is this what is expected of principals in your department?
I ask you why should another teacher have to go through what I went through? I was offered a deal to overturn my U-Rating, IF I didn't pursue charges, or sue the NYCDOE. I declined the offer. This is a huge liability to the school district and there is no denying the facts and accurate accounts of many of the teachers who have come in contact with Mr. Pantelidis. These teachers are banding together, and saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
On a final note, try using silverware to eat your breakfast and balancing a reading book, while avoiding getting food in you lap, sound enjoyable? That's what the students' of P.S.171 have to do every morning.
This is just a sample of the sort of duress that teachers are placed under on a daily basis. I know you will make and educated decision knowing what you have just learned about P.S. 171. I want you to take a minute and think about if this was your daughter, sister, or mother being put through this? Would you stand for it? I would hope not. I'm still waiting for my Unsatisfactory rating to be overturned, that's all I want, that is all I ever wanted. I will never return to work for the NYCDOE, due to my experiences at P.S. 171. I want what is only fair and deserved, a Satisfactory Rating. This letter will reach far beyond you in the district and the union, and the teachers of this school who work hard everyday.
Teachers should not have to come to their place of work and expect this kind of behavior, harassment, and abuse of power. It is distracting to the teachers and takes away from the real reason we are there…to teach the children.
Thank you,
Suzanne Zaifert
CC:
Mr. Pantelidis, Principal P.S. 171
Teachers at P.S. 171
Eleandor Foxe, PTA President P.S. 171
Joel Klein, Chancellor NYCDOE
Virginia Caputo, NYCDOE Appeals and ReviewsJoAnn Rabot, NYCDOE Appeals and Reviews
Joseph Loschiavo, NYCDOE Office of Support Services
Peter Heaney, Jr, Regional Superintendent
Jorge Isquirda, District 9 Local Instructional Superintendent 2006-2007
Beverly Wilkins, District 9 Local Instructional Superintendent 2005-2006
Eric Nadelstern, Head of the Empowerment Zone
Ira Goldberg, Principal Representative at my hearing in January
Sister Virgie Mohammed, District Representative at my hearing in January
Nick Skrutz, Union Representative at hearing in January
Hector Nazario, Education Council President
Jerry Goldman, UFT Manhattan President
Servia Silva, UFT Representative for P.S. 171
Union Newspaper Storyboard
Eugene Rubin, UFT Committee Liaison
Larry Miraldi, associated with UFT
Dear Ms. Mandel,
My name is Suzanne Zaifert, a former teacher at P.S. 171. It is my understanding that you are representing Mr. Pantelidis, the principal at PS. 171, on June 26, 2007. I would like to share my experiences with you, in hopes of impacting the way teachers are being treated at this school.
I am concerned because there is a pattern of mistreatment of teachers at P.S. 171. One example of mistreatment is the case you will be discussing on June 26th. The teacher who filed the grievance, was voted as TEACHER OF THE YEAR for the 2006-2007 school year, and for the past two years she has also been harassed by Mr. Pantelidis. She has worked under Mr. Pantelidis for the past eight years, and has been teaching first grade for the past sixteen years at P.S. 171. She is now is being forced to file grievances to stay within her current position. She was blindsided a couple weeks ago when her name was not slated next to the 1st grade position, (again, a position she has held for sixteen years,) only to be replaced by a brand-new student teacher. This is a student teacher, who backed out of the position being offered to her, when she realized the tense and uncomfortable situation she was walking into. This student teacher apologized to this Teacher of the Year, as well as the other teachers, and did not accept position. In the past weeks, teachers have come to this Teacher of the Year's defense asking Mr. Pantelidis, "Why was this done? What are you doing?" only to be dismissed and left unanswered.
The teacher that is tenured is one of the lucky ones, however, it does not undermine the stress and the tumultuous year that some of the teachers at P.S. 171 have experienced. During my year there, three of us were forced out, one of which had to seek out medical attention due to stress and anxiety.
Also, three science teachers, a fourth grade teacher, and a seventh grade teacher vacated their positions in the middle of the school year. Two of them went on spring break, and never returned to school again. To date, another four are leaving at the end of the year, finding teaching jobs elsewhere. Teachers would rather put their credentials on the line, than continue working another day under the constant duress at this school.
I have first-hand accounts of what these teachers are put through everyday. I was one of them last year. I was recruited from Los Angeles to work for the NYCDOE. I was a literacy coach, an experienced teacher with two masters, and received an Unsatisfactory rating as a teacher at the conclusion of my one year spent at P.S. 171. I have worked way too hard to have my passion for educating squashed by someone who has a personality conflict with me. As a matter of fact, I wrote to Mr. Pantelidis mid-year as an outreach to solve some of the issues that were personally affecting me at the school. Three weeks later I was brought up on charges I was not doing my job. I was shocked and surprised and had never received this sort of rating during my tenure as an educator, and therefore was unable to teach at another New York City school this past year. With my credentials and experience, I was doing my job to the best of my ability, with little or no sixth grade materials, and the huge lacking of administrative support.
I ask you, how many teachers with my credentials received a U-rating? According the union, none.
Again, I am writing this letter because several teachers at this school explained to me the madness that has ensued. My understanding is that that you have a meeting on Tuesday is in regards to a grievance of a preference sheet that was not received. When in fact, it was turned in. This is déjà vu, considering it was the same thing that happened to me last year. After being harassed, singled out in front of my peers all year long, to then find out suddenly my preference sheet for next year is the only one missing of the stack and being refused a second copy? Find it coincidence? I think not.
Where is the professionalism I know the NYCDOE hold so high?
Furthermore, several teachers including myself were under intense scrutiny of having Mr. Pantelidis in our rooms for over 90 minutes several times a week, only to have him joined by the assistant principal so they can have a whispering private conversation in the back of our rooms while we as teachers, continue to do our job. Incidences like this, would then be followed by a letter, placed in a red folder in your school mailbox, so that everyone in the school knows you got one, to be told how you not doing your job. I received several of those letters, in fact I have a stack about three inches thick of just red folders and letters. One letter I received stated I was teaching nothing at 9am, including math, Language Arts, social studies, or science. This was an outright lie. Once I received this letter, I had my students write down exactly what we did during the day, to protect myself from these lies, and I hold onto them today at the chance a judge will ask for them. Moreover, despite the allegation that I was not doing my job, my students scored in the 90th percentile on all their practice exams, yet the persecution never subsided.
Moreover, during my U-Rating hearing Mr. Pantelidis sent copies in a three-ring notebook down to the district without my permission or my signature, and as a result, and it's in the transcripts of my hearing, the truth was revealed that all of the paperwork that Mr. Pantelidis made up about me could have been thrown out. It was illegally placed in my file without my permission, however, I chose to address each one, proving my harassment, and unbearable year, I went through at P.S. 171
Can you even imagine coming into work everyday under that kind of stress? Well, I did and so do the other teachers, but I ask you, is it right? Is it bullying? Abuse of power? How long can it go on until the district recognizes this is a serious problem? Are you waiting for a class-action suit?
One of my harassment complaints is that I was left out of three grade level curriculum planning days where the teachers received substitutes, only to be notified that I would be singled out to receive special intense specific training, a threat that he never followed through with. I kept that letter too since it proves that I was treated with unfair and unequal practices.
In addition, did you know that a kindergarten teacher didn't come to school the last four days of the year last year? She felt so uneasy and strongly about an incident in her classroom where she was being accused of something that was untrue, and lacked the support of the principal, that she chose to stay in the safety of her own home for the remainder of the school year. She too found a job elsewhere, never to return at P.S. 171. That teacher is not alone in her feeling of being targeted, and not supported by the principal. I was forced to call the police last year, because I didn't feel safe either. I went to Mr. Pantelidis with the complaint of feeling unsafe and insecure on school grounds, and the answer I received was "So go call the police." The police came and reviewed the written letter of a parent and the behavior that ensued from that parent and asked me, "What is the child still doing in your class?" My only answer was, "good question. I have no idea." This is the same parent who used vulgar language toward me in which I was forced to have a closed door meeting with, while Mr. Pantelidis walked by three times, and never stepped in, but two male staff members had enough common sense to stand outside the door to protect me.
Again I ask where was the support of my administration? Why was I allowed to be in harms way? Is this what is expected of principals in your department?
I ask you why should another teacher have to go through what I went through? I was offered a deal to overturn my U-Rating, IF I didn't pursue charges, or sue the NYCDOE. I declined the offer. This is a huge liability to the school district and there is no denying the facts and accurate accounts of many of the teachers who have come in contact with Mr. Pantelidis. These teachers are banding together, and saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
On a final note, try using silverware to eat your breakfast and balancing a reading book, while avoiding getting food in you lap, sound enjoyable? That's what the students' of P.S.171 have to do every morning.
This is just a sample of the sort of duress that teachers are placed under on a daily basis. I know you will make and educated decision knowing what you have just learned about P.S. 171. I want you to take a minute and think about if this was your daughter, sister, or mother being put through this? Would you stand for it? I would hope not. I'm still waiting for my Unsatisfactory rating to be overturned, that's all I want, that is all I ever wanted. I will never return to work for the NYCDOE, due to my experiences at P.S. 171. I want what is only fair and deserved, a Satisfactory Rating. This letter will reach far beyond you in the district and the union, and the teachers of this school who work hard everyday.
Teachers should not have to come to their place of work and expect this kind of behavior, harassment, and abuse of power. It is distracting to the teachers and takes away from the real reason we are there…to teach the children.
Thank you,
Suzanne Zaifert
CC:
Mr. Pantelidis, Principal P.S. 171
Teachers at P.S. 171
Eleandor Foxe, PTA President P.S. 171
Joel Klein, Chancellor NYCDOE
Virginia Caputo, NYCDOE Appeals and ReviewsJoAnn Rabot, NYCDOE Appeals and Reviews
Joseph Loschiavo, NYCDOE Office of Support Services
Peter Heaney, Jr, Regional Superintendent
Jorge Isquirda, District 9 Local Instructional Superintendent 2006-2007
Beverly Wilkins, District 9 Local Instructional Superintendent 2005-2006
Eric Nadelstern, Head of the Empowerment Zone
Ira Goldberg, Principal Representative at my hearing in January
Sister Virgie Mohammed, District Representative at my hearing in January
Nick Skrutz, Union Representative at hearing in January
Hector Nazario, Education Council President
Jerry Goldman, UFT Manhattan President
Servia Silva, UFT Representative for P.S. 171
Union Newspaper Storyboard
Eugene Rubin, UFT Committee Liaison
Larry Miraldi, associated with UFT
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Jenny Passed Away Last Night
I don't know why I'm so angry about Jenny's passing. The woman was 102 years old. She was my mom's roommate as well. But still I am angry.
When her son, daughter-in-law and son-in-law came to visit they mostly spoke amongst themselves leaving Jenny to eat. They always brought up food for her b/c they believed that she didn't like the food the nursing home served. I don't blame her. But what bothers me is that they weren't there yesterday when dad and I arrived. They are usually there on the weekends and we chat with them. But yesterday they weren't. And it looked as though that's when she needed her family the most.
When we came into the room Jenny was propped up in bed. Her breakfast food was still there, it was 11:30'ish and the nurses left her alone. Yes, they checked in on her but she was ALONE. Me and my dad spoke with her. We said hello and if she looked as though she was having any trouble we would help her and we also said good-bye to her when we left.
It really bothers me that she was alone. When I went to my mom's room today, the curtain was drawn and I saw that her body was wrapped in the sheets. She looked like a mummy. A real sense of sadness fell over me. She was alone. She was alone.
The nurse said that she passed away during the night and they sensed the end was near b/c she was talking a lot and not making any sense. I wonder if they called her family to let them know? I hope that they did. But that's something I will never find out.
Jenny looked like the stero-typical sweet old Italian woman. Fierce but gently. And INDEPENDENT! She didn't like when anyone tried to feed her.
Jenny being alone. I realize that we all die ALONE but I've come to realize that at the nursing home 99% of them are alone most of the time. My mom being the exception to the rule. But that's b/c my dad visits her everyday. If my dad passes away before my mom will she be alone too? I mean I HATE going to that place. I HATE seeing my mom there. It is the most depressing place in the world. I really can't name anything more depressing than a nursing home. As soon as I'm there I'm watching the clock to see how long it will be before we will leave. We get there usually around 11:30 and leave by 2:30. It's the longest 3 hours EVER. So if my dad passes before my mom will I go there, at least on weekends just to check up on her? I HOPE SO. I can't promise that I will, but I hope to God I will have the strength and tolerance to go.
I so don't want my dad to go before my mom. I really wish God finds some compassion and takes my mom soon. This disease is called the long good-bye and this good-bye has been going on for 6 years now. I'm ready to say good-bye to my mom. She is only the shell of the woman who raised me. I hate her blank stare. I hate that she can't communicate. I hate that I can't tell her what is going on in my life and her not only listening but giving me her motherly advise.
So Jenny passed away last nite. May she rest in peace. I know she is in a far better place than she was. No matter how good the nursing home is, it wasn't home.
When her son, daughter-in-law and son-in-law came to visit they mostly spoke amongst themselves leaving Jenny to eat. They always brought up food for her b/c they believed that she didn't like the food the nursing home served. I don't blame her. But what bothers me is that they weren't there yesterday when dad and I arrived. They are usually there on the weekends and we chat with them. But yesterday they weren't. And it looked as though that's when she needed her family the most.
When we came into the room Jenny was propped up in bed. Her breakfast food was still there, it was 11:30'ish and the nurses left her alone. Yes, they checked in on her but she was ALONE. Me and my dad spoke with her. We said hello and if she looked as though she was having any trouble we would help her and we also said good-bye to her when we left.
It really bothers me that she was alone. When I went to my mom's room today, the curtain was drawn and I saw that her body was wrapped in the sheets. She looked like a mummy. A real sense of sadness fell over me. She was alone. She was alone.
The nurse said that she passed away during the night and they sensed the end was near b/c she was talking a lot and not making any sense. I wonder if they called her family to let them know? I hope that they did. But that's something I will never find out.
Jenny looked like the stero-typical sweet old Italian woman. Fierce but gently. And INDEPENDENT! She didn't like when anyone tried to feed her.
Jenny being alone. I realize that we all die ALONE but I've come to realize that at the nursing home 99% of them are alone most of the time. My mom being the exception to the rule. But that's b/c my dad visits her everyday. If my dad passes away before my mom will she be alone too? I mean I HATE going to that place. I HATE seeing my mom there. It is the most depressing place in the world. I really can't name anything more depressing than a nursing home. As soon as I'm there I'm watching the clock to see how long it will be before we will leave. We get there usually around 11:30 and leave by 2:30. It's the longest 3 hours EVER. So if my dad passes before my mom will I go there, at least on weekends just to check up on her? I HOPE SO. I can't promise that I will, but I hope to God I will have the strength and tolerance to go.
I so don't want my dad to go before my mom. I really wish God finds some compassion and takes my mom soon. This disease is called the long good-bye and this good-bye has been going on for 6 years now. I'm ready to say good-bye to my mom. She is only the shell of the woman who raised me. I hate her blank stare. I hate that she can't communicate. I hate that I can't tell her what is going on in my life and her not only listening but giving me her motherly advise.
So Jenny passed away last nite. May she rest in peace. I know she is in a far better place than she was. No matter how good the nursing home is, it wasn't home.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
A Step in a Direction
It's 9:30 pm on Wednesday. Things are okay. Mom is doing well. All the nurses say so. She is finally adapting to her surroundings. She is adjusting. So why is it every time dad calls and tells me how she did that day I just want to break down and cry.
I get this sick feeling that she is in prison. All she has is that 7th floor. Never going out. Never feeling the sun on her face, nor the wind in her hair. She is stuck on the 7th floor. Every time my dad tells me he left her either in the common room or in her room I want to go and rescue her.
I know the nursing home is the best place for her and for all of us but still she is my mom. She doesn't know who I am or what I do or my name but I know who she is and she deserves better. So much better than where she is now. She is the cage animal only she doesn't know it. I know it and I feel guilty because I know. I remember and that's my sin. I remember.
Everyone says it's going to take some time to adjust. How much time no one can answer that question. I miss my mom. I miss the person she was. I miss making her laugh. I miss the way she couldn't tell a story to save her life. I miss teasing her. I miss my mom. I want her back. Is that selfish of me? I miss her guidance. I miss her messy way. But most of all I miss her love, her warm touch, and her.
This is a cruel disease. I'm not saying none of the other diseases we have aren't but this, this is the long good-bye or as my dad likes to call the longest wake he's ever been to. I agree. And yet she is healthy. Healthy as a horse. Healthy in body, just not in mind.
This post was supposed to be about my dad seriously thinking about getting a dog. An Irish terrier some how it turned into my mom. Maybe because Sunday is mother's day. A day to honor our moms. I can do that, she just won't know it.
I LOVE YOU MOM! I never said it enough when you were with us in body and mind and I'm sorry. I should have. I hope you know that I do LOVE YOU.
I get this sick feeling that she is in prison. All she has is that 7th floor. Never going out. Never feeling the sun on her face, nor the wind in her hair. She is stuck on the 7th floor. Every time my dad tells me he left her either in the common room or in her room I want to go and rescue her.
I know the nursing home is the best place for her and for all of us but still she is my mom. She doesn't know who I am or what I do or my name but I know who she is and she deserves better. So much better than where she is now. She is the cage animal only she doesn't know it. I know it and I feel guilty because I know. I remember and that's my sin. I remember.
Everyone says it's going to take some time to adjust. How much time no one can answer that question. I miss my mom. I miss the person she was. I miss making her laugh. I miss the way she couldn't tell a story to save her life. I miss teasing her. I miss my mom. I want her back. Is that selfish of me? I miss her guidance. I miss her messy way. But most of all I miss her love, her warm touch, and her.
This is a cruel disease. I'm not saying none of the other diseases we have aren't but this, this is the long good-bye or as my dad likes to call the longest wake he's ever been to. I agree. And yet she is healthy. Healthy as a horse. Healthy in body, just not in mind.
This post was supposed to be about my dad seriously thinking about getting a dog. An Irish terrier some how it turned into my mom. Maybe because Sunday is mother's day. A day to honor our moms. I can do that, she just won't know it.
I LOVE YOU MOM! I never said it enough when you were with us in body and mind and I'm sorry. I should have. I hope you know that I do LOVE YOU.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I'm tired
I thought things were going well. I mean dad seemed to be on a somewhat sort of schedule with mom and I was feeling a little bit better. Not to guilty about certain things. I thought I could avoid my break-down.
I guess I counted my chickens before they hatched.
Today dad called me after he got home from visiting mom. He said that the Social Worker wanted to speak with him. He said okay.
Here is what he told him in a nutshell:
Wife isn't doing good. She is still violent, abusive, cursing, combative and then to add insult to injury she said that she is also racist. SW said that the doctors are trying to find the right meds to give her to calm her down but as of yet they haven't found it. If they don't find it soon (no time line) they will have to send her to a psychiatric ward at a hospital so they can figure out what to give her.
I'm sorry but isn't this a stage w/Alzheimer's patients? alz.org/alzheimers_deisease_stages_of alzheimers.asp states:
Stage 6: Severe cognitive decline(Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Memory difficulties continue to worsen, significant personality changes may emerge and affected individuals need extensive help with customary daily activities.
Stage 7: Very severe cognitive decline(Severe or late-stage Alzheimer's disease)
This is the final stage of the disease when individuals lose the ability to respond to their environment, the ability to speak and, ultimately, the ability to control movement.
Frequently individuals lose their capacity for recognizable speech, although words or phrases may occasionally be uttered
Individuals need help with eating and toileting and there is general incontinence of urine
Individuals lose the ability to walk without assistance, then the ability to sit without support, the ability to smile, and the ability to hold their head up. Reflexes become abnormal and muscles grow rigid. Swallowing is impaired.
She is bit of both these stages.
There are a couple of things that bother me about what the SC said. One there is no time line on how long they are going to try and find the right meds to calm her down. Why are they thinking of putting her in the hospital? Aren't they supposed to be able to deal with this kind of behavior? I mean think about it, I realize my mom is far along w/Alz. BUT! BUT somewhere in the recesses of her mind she knows that if a stranger touches you, changing your clothes, your diaper, it is wrong. Wouldn't you fight with everything you have to make them stop??
I blame the nursing home. We've told them on countless occassions that my mother doesn't like loud noises and yet they scream her name. We've told them that they have to be forceful and yet gentle. Haven't they heard the old saying that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? I KNOW that they have 40 patients to deal with on the floor. I know they are getting paid minimum wage but if you want your job to be easier than if you could follow the 2 things we tell you day in and day out maybe just MAYBE she will co-operate.
The other thing about what the SW said that really bothers me is that she called my mom a racist. That is not my mom. She didn't raise us to be that way so how can she be one now? She would become very angry with us if we ever said ANYTHING derogatory. It's because of the Alz. I know it is. And I would think that the SW would know this too. And does she think that telling my dad would help matters?
I just have so many questions. And so much anger. I had a mini-break down at work today. I don't know how much longer I will be able to put on a brave face. I don't think much longer. I'm about to break and there is no one to put back the pieces.
What happens next?
I guess I counted my chickens before they hatched.
Today dad called me after he got home from visiting mom. He said that the Social Worker wanted to speak with him. He said okay.
Here is what he told him in a nutshell:
Wife isn't doing good. She is still violent, abusive, cursing, combative and then to add insult to injury she said that she is also racist. SW said that the doctors are trying to find the right meds to give her to calm her down but as of yet they haven't found it. If they don't find it soon (no time line) they will have to send her to a psychiatric ward at a hospital so they can figure out what to give her.
I'm sorry but isn't this a stage w/Alzheimer's patients? alz.org/alzheimers_deisease_stages_of alzheimers.asp states:
Stage 6: Severe cognitive decline(Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Memory difficulties continue to worsen, significant personality changes may emerge and affected individuals need extensive help with customary daily activities.
Stage 7: Very severe cognitive decline(Severe or late-stage Alzheimer's disease)
This is the final stage of the disease when individuals lose the ability to respond to their environment, the ability to speak and, ultimately, the ability to control movement.
Frequently individuals lose their capacity for recognizable speech, although words or phrases may occasionally be uttered
Individuals need help with eating and toileting and there is general incontinence of urine
Individuals lose the ability to walk without assistance, then the ability to sit without support, the ability to smile, and the ability to hold their head up. Reflexes become abnormal and muscles grow rigid. Swallowing is impaired.
She is bit of both these stages.
There are a couple of things that bother me about what the SC said. One there is no time line on how long they are going to try and find the right meds to calm her down. Why are they thinking of putting her in the hospital? Aren't they supposed to be able to deal with this kind of behavior? I mean think about it, I realize my mom is far along w/Alz. BUT! BUT somewhere in the recesses of her mind she knows that if a stranger touches you, changing your clothes, your diaper, it is wrong. Wouldn't you fight with everything you have to make them stop??
I blame the nursing home. We've told them on countless occassions that my mother doesn't like loud noises and yet they scream her name. We've told them that they have to be forceful and yet gentle. Haven't they heard the old saying that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? I KNOW that they have 40 patients to deal with on the floor. I know they are getting paid minimum wage but if you want your job to be easier than if you could follow the 2 things we tell you day in and day out maybe just MAYBE she will co-operate.
The other thing about what the SW said that really bothers me is that she called my mom a racist. That is not my mom. She didn't raise us to be that way so how can she be one now? She would become very angry with us if we ever said ANYTHING derogatory. It's because of the Alz. I know it is. And I would think that the SW would know this too. And does she think that telling my dad would help matters?
I just have so many questions. And so much anger. I had a mini-break down at work today. I don't know how much longer I will be able to put on a brave face. I don't think much longer. I'm about to break and there is no one to put back the pieces.
What happens next?
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The drama of yesterday
I am not a drama queen, at least I like to think that I am not. BUt lately I feel as though I am. My safe world, the world I've tried so hard to protect is slowing crumbling down around me.
Last night dad called me to tell me the woes of my sister. It seems earlier in the day her boyfriend had "taken" the car. Gave her the excuse that he would wait in the car for her while she put on her make-up when she went downstairs the bf and the car were gone. And of course there was no way to get a hold of him b/c he didn't have his cell phone. My sister called my dad to tell him that the bf was gone and there was no way to get a hold of him. What should she do?, she cried to him.
Considering on Thursday the bad day my mother had and also my father this was not something he wanted to hear or deal with. He told her to wait it out. Wait 12 hours and if he doesn't return then call the cops. The cops. Not something my sister wanted to deal w/considering that she had a run in w/them last weekend in Washington, NJ. (btw if you are EVER in Washington, NJ get out of that town ASAP! The cops told my sister's lawyer this is how the town makes their money. They pull out-of-towners over for minor infractions & for whatever else they deem necessary and...well...JUST STAY OF WASHINGTON, NJ) So calling the cops was something she DID NOT want to do.
Thankfully(?) the bf came back. He gave no excuse as to why he disappeared. Then sometime in the afternoon th bf's brother came and took him home. The bf's mother thought not only was the bf a danger to himself but to my sister as well. What an amazing woman!!! So she sent the brother to come and bring him back down south.
I found out the bf his paranoid and he has been off his medication for a while now. NOt only is he paranoid BUT he is also an alcoholic and a bit of a drug user, soft stuff. GREAT! And the reason for his toy gun is to protect my sister. This sounds like a really bad movie. The little I know about paranoia (all from the movies and news) the outlook does not look good for either of them. Especially w/the toy guns and the claim of protecting her!!
I'm glad that his mom is taking the initiative since neither the bf nor my sister can. Hopefully now, he will get the help he needs and my sister will start to feel better and will try to pull her life together. She will get the help that she also needs. Slowly.
And she will stay away from him and vice versa. But since I know my sister, I don't think she will. Her mo is always the same when it comes to guys: find the most fucked up guy in the world, fall in love with him, pick up his bad habits and then try to heal him and when she can't fall apart. She needs their love. SHE NEEDS THEIR LOVE?? She can't be alone. She is afraid of being alone. If she doens't have a man in her life she is lost. No matter how bad he may be for her. She needs a man. It's like sex = love. She can't differentiate between the two.
What scares me more than anything is that if my dad pre-deceases my mom I will feel as though I am stuck (horrible) taking care of not only my mom but sister as well. Just because I feel it is my resposibility b/c I'm the oldest. Here's the thing: I want to know when my life begins? For most of my life I haven't done things b/c I ddin't want to disappoint my parent. It's a guilt that I don't think I could live with. I mean I still haven't come out to my dad nor did I come out to my mom. It's not something a good God fearing, Catholic man could live with. And that tears me apart.
I guess it's also why I'm not in any kind of relationship b/c that would mean I would have to tell him and right now is not the time. Not with all that is going on in his life.
So what do I? How am I going to handle this? Am I making a mountain out of an ant hill? Worrying about things I have no control of? I want my mom back. I've always thought my mom was always stronger than my dad. Not that this wouldn't affect her but I feel as though I could talk to her and she would have the answers to these questions and others that I have.
Last night dad called me to tell me the woes of my sister. It seems earlier in the day her boyfriend had "taken" the car. Gave her the excuse that he would wait in the car for her while she put on her make-up when she went downstairs the bf and the car were gone. And of course there was no way to get a hold of him b/c he didn't have his cell phone. My sister called my dad to tell him that the bf was gone and there was no way to get a hold of him. What should she do?, she cried to him.
Considering on Thursday the bad day my mother had and also my father this was not something he wanted to hear or deal with. He told her to wait it out. Wait 12 hours and if he doesn't return then call the cops. The cops. Not something my sister wanted to deal w/considering that she had a run in w/them last weekend in Washington, NJ. (btw if you are EVER in Washington, NJ get out of that town ASAP! The cops told my sister's lawyer this is how the town makes their money. They pull out-of-towners over for minor infractions & for whatever else they deem necessary and...well...JUST STAY OF WASHINGTON, NJ) So calling the cops was something she DID NOT want to do.
Thankfully(?) the bf came back. He gave no excuse as to why he disappeared. Then sometime in the afternoon th bf's brother came and took him home. The bf's mother thought not only was the bf a danger to himself but to my sister as well. What an amazing woman!!! So she sent the brother to come and bring him back down south.
I found out the bf his paranoid and he has been off his medication for a while now. NOt only is he paranoid BUT he is also an alcoholic and a bit of a drug user, soft stuff. GREAT! And the reason for his toy gun is to protect my sister. This sounds like a really bad movie. The little I know about paranoia (all from the movies and news) the outlook does not look good for either of them. Especially w/the toy guns and the claim of protecting her!!
I'm glad that his mom is taking the initiative since neither the bf nor my sister can. Hopefully now, he will get the help he needs and my sister will start to feel better and will try to pull her life together. She will get the help that she also needs. Slowly.
And she will stay away from him and vice versa. But since I know my sister, I don't think she will. Her mo is always the same when it comes to guys: find the most fucked up guy in the world, fall in love with him, pick up his bad habits and then try to heal him and when she can't fall apart. She needs their love. SHE NEEDS THEIR LOVE?? She can't be alone. She is afraid of being alone. If she doens't have a man in her life she is lost. No matter how bad he may be for her. She needs a man. It's like sex = love. She can't differentiate between the two.
What scares me more than anything is that if my dad pre-deceases my mom I will feel as though I am stuck (horrible) taking care of not only my mom but sister as well. Just because I feel it is my resposibility b/c I'm the oldest. Here's the thing: I want to know when my life begins? For most of my life I haven't done things b/c I ddin't want to disappoint my parent. It's a guilt that I don't think I could live with. I mean I still haven't come out to my dad nor did I come out to my mom. It's not something a good God fearing, Catholic man could live with. And that tears me apart.
I guess it's also why I'm not in any kind of relationship b/c that would mean I would have to tell him and right now is not the time. Not with all that is going on in his life.
So what do I? How am I going to handle this? Am I making a mountain out of an ant hill? Worrying about things I have no control of? I want my mom back. I've always thought my mom was always stronger than my dad. Not that this wouldn't affect her but I feel as though I could talk to her and she would have the answers to these questions and others that I have.
Friday, April 20, 2007
highs are high & lows are low
When my mom has a good day, dad is euphoric, but when she has a bad day, dad is totally distraught. Last night was a prime example. I went to his home and he looked like he got the shit beaten out of him. Disheveled and tired ready to give up on everything. This has me worried. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do?
Dad says this is the longest wake he has ever been to b/c he has been in mourning for the past 6 years.
To make matters worse, my sister is basically having a mental/nervous break down. My dad is telling her to seek help but all she will say is I know, I know. He doesn't want to hear about her problems b/c he is worried about my mom and how is he supposed to take care of her when he is not with her 24/7? But he listens and gives her advice but like he says you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. And he has been leading my sister to water for 40 years. Maybe if mom was okay he would be more forceful in telling her what to do but right now he can't.
I can't talk to her b/c we are not on speaking terms and haven't been for 2 years. And even if we were I still couldn't speak w/her because we are polar opposites. We have nothing in common. NOTHING and I would probably tell her the same thing dad is telling her and if she's not listening to dad why would she ever listen to me?????
Highs are high and lows are low and we are at a low point right now. And, unfortunately, I really don't think this is the lowest it is going to go.
Dad says this is the longest wake he has ever been to b/c he has been in mourning for the past 6 years.
To make matters worse, my sister is basically having a mental/nervous break down. My dad is telling her to seek help but all she will say is I know, I know. He doesn't want to hear about her problems b/c he is worried about my mom and how is he supposed to take care of her when he is not with her 24/7? But he listens and gives her advice but like he says you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. And he has been leading my sister to water for 40 years. Maybe if mom was okay he would be more forceful in telling her what to do but right now he can't.
I can't talk to her b/c we are not on speaking terms and haven't been for 2 years. And even if we were I still couldn't speak w/her because we are polar opposites. We have nothing in common. NOTHING and I would probably tell her the same thing dad is telling her and if she's not listening to dad why would she ever listen to me?????
Highs are high and lows are low and we are at a low point right now. And, unfortunately, I really don't think this is the lowest it is going to go.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
What Dad has taught me today about dying
Nobody tells you what has to be done when someone you love dies. I don't know of any books out there to say: "THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO" if there is, e-mail me at lucille104 at gmail. com.
So with mom now in the nursing home for a little over week dad has been talking non-stop about dying. But just the dying part not anything else. So today before we went to visit mom I summed up the courage to ask him what has to be done.
This is what he told me:
Where the will is and that I have to contact the lawyer
The house is in my name ( I knew this already) and since it was in my name I am responsible for paying all the bills that go along w/the the house until the house is sold.
Land tax, water tax, electric, Gas, & telephone.
I also have to cancel the car insurance and notify his insurance company. I have to have at least a dozen death certificates, which you get from the funeral home. He also told which funeral parlor he wanted to be viewed at.
I have to notify Social Security, where he worked before retiring and Fidelity about his death for various reasons.
He also told me to not only get in touch with his lawyer but also our accountant because there will be taxes I will have to pay and she will tell me how much so I can put away that money.
This may sound morbid but I don't want to fail my dad and I want to carry out his wishes and if I don't ask him who else is there to ask that would know? Nobody.
Like me he is scared.
But the world is still spinning on its axis and will continue to do so even when I'm gone.
So with mom now in the nursing home for a little over week dad has been talking non-stop about dying. But just the dying part not anything else. So today before we went to visit mom I summed up the courage to ask him what has to be done.
This is what he told me:
Where the will is and that I have to contact the lawyer
The house is in my name ( I knew this already) and since it was in my name I am responsible for paying all the bills that go along w/the the house until the house is sold.
Land tax, water tax, electric, Gas, & telephone.
I also have to cancel the car insurance and notify his insurance company. I have to have at least a dozen death certificates, which you get from the funeral home. He also told which funeral parlor he wanted to be viewed at.
I have to notify Social Security, where he worked before retiring and Fidelity about his death for various reasons.
He also told me to not only get in touch with his lawyer but also our accountant because there will be taxes I will have to pay and she will tell me how much so I can put away that money.
This may sound morbid but I don't want to fail my dad and I want to carry out his wishes and if I don't ask him who else is there to ask that would know? Nobody.
Like me he is scared.
But the world is still spinning on its axis and will continue to do so even when I'm gone.
Friday, April 6, 2007
?
If a man delivers your mail he is called a mailman BUT what happens if it's a woman?
Is she then called a female woman???
Is she then called a female woman???
Thursday, April 5, 2007
3 steps back
dad's thoughts about mom
My thoughts
J has been in the nursing home for 6 days now. She is afraid of the people there that care for her and those that are being cared for. She does not want to be there. She looks for me all the time when I am not there. What am I to do? I have such a feeling of guilt that I gave the ok to put her there. Is there a way that I can take her home and care for her myself as I was? What are the consequences if I do? What happens with Medicaid? What would it cost me in money for the care she has already received? If I bring her home can I get some one in to help me care for her? What will be the cost? Is it the best thing to do for J? Is it the best thing to do for me? What should I do? Should I do it at all? Should I do anything at all? Should I just wait and see how things play out for a while? I love her so much that I can’t stand to see her unhappy. And she is so helpless and I know they try to care for her but it’s not enough. Its more cattle like care. If I’m not there or someone else then they take her to the common room whether she likes it or not and she doesn’t like it or want to go. They treat her abruptly when they undress or dress her or change her diaper; she hates it and strikes out. She tries to hide from them when I’m there and does not want to go near the common room. When they try to feed her it’s just a job to them and she just will not eat for them. It’s the same when they give her pills. It just breaks my heart and I just want to hold and protect her. When I’m not there I can’t protect her from her fears or worries. She is my J and I want her to feel safe and cared for. I don’t think she will ever feel that there. I don’t want to abandon her just so it will be the best thing for me. What should I do?
My thoughts
J has been in the nursing home for 6 days now. She is afraid of the people there that care for her and those that are being cared for. She does not want to be there. She looks for me all the time when I am not there. What am I to do? I have such a feeling of guilt that I gave the ok to put her there. Is there a way that I can take her home and care for her myself as I was? What are the consequences if I do? What happens with Medicaid? What would it cost me in money for the care she has already received? If I bring her home can I get some one in to help me care for her? What will be the cost? Is it the best thing to do for J? Is it the best thing to do for me? What should I do? Should I do it at all? Should I do anything at all? Should I just wait and see how things play out for a while? I love her so much that I can’t stand to see her unhappy. And she is so helpless and I know they try to care for her but it’s not enough. Its more cattle like care. If I’m not there or someone else then they take her to the common room whether she likes it or not and she doesn’t like it or want to go. They treat her abruptly when they undress or dress her or change her diaper; she hates it and strikes out. She tries to hide from them when I’m there and does not want to go near the common room. When they try to feed her it’s just a job to them and she just will not eat for them. It’s the same when they give her pills. It just breaks my heart and I just want to hold and protect her. When I’m not there I can’t protect her from her fears or worries. She is my J and I want her to feel safe and cared for. I don’t think she will ever feel that there. I don’t want to abandon her just so it will be the best thing for me. What should I do?
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Nursing Home & Dad
We put Mom in the nursing home on Wednesday, March 28, SS. J& A Residence. Dad is crushed and lost w/o her.
I'm okay with it. I didn't cry or break down when I saw her there. it is the best possible place for her. I truly believe this.
What kills me is seeing my dad. he is so......i dunno.....not my dad.
When he called me in as state of panic on Wednesday, crying b/c the nursing home was demanding, DEMANDING $6000.00 or else...(FYI, IF YOU HAVE A LOVE ONE IN A NURSING HOME & THEY ARE WAITING APPROVAL FOR MEDICAID THE NURSING HOME HAS TO ACCEPT THEM AND YOU DON'T OWE THEM ANY MONEY!!!!) that's not my dad! Dad's are always supposed to be brave and strong. They can't panic. They can't cry. They can't be anything but superhuman. And that's when I realized that dad was human.
When I see him trying to be brave and when he gives her kisses and tells her he loves her that's when I lose it. I have to turn my head I feel as though I am invading on their private and most personal moments.
I'm okay with it. I didn't cry or break down when I saw her there. it is the best possible place for her. I truly believe this.
What kills me is seeing my dad. he is so......i dunno.....not my dad.
When he called me in as state of panic on Wednesday, crying b/c the nursing home was demanding, DEMANDING $6000.00 or else...(FYI, IF YOU HAVE A LOVE ONE IN A NURSING HOME & THEY ARE WAITING APPROVAL FOR MEDICAID THE NURSING HOME HAS TO ACCEPT THEM AND YOU DON'T OWE THEM ANY MONEY!!!!) that's not my dad! Dad's are always supposed to be brave and strong. They can't panic. They can't cry. They can't be anything but superhuman. And that's when I realized that dad was human.
When I see him trying to be brave and when he gives her kisses and tells her he loves her that's when I lose it. I have to turn my head I feel as though I am invading on their private and most personal moments.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Is it better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved at all?
My dad wrote this love letter to my mom, she is in the 6th stage of Alzheimer’s, there are 7, and after reading this I’m not sure I want to fall it love b/c even though they have/had a wonderful life together he is watching his wife of 48 years lose her memory of things they’ve shared and more importantly of him. And I’m not sure I’m strong enough to fall so hopelessly in love with someone. But who knows maybe I am. Time will tell. WARNING HAVE TISSUES ON HAND
REFLECTIONS OF MY LOVE
I’m sitting here on this Friday morning March 16, 2007. There is a mixture of snow and rain outside and the temperature is around 32 degrees. It’s 8:30 in the morning and I am waiting for the delivery of a hospital bed for J. She is still sleeping in her red chair that she has slept in for the past three nights while I have slept on the new sleeper sofa right next to her. Last night she again talked in her sleep but never got up to wander around.
Since she has been on this new medication she has calmed down considerable. The trade off is that she can’t move to well and seems to be always tired. She also hasn’t been going to the bathroom too much. Last night she did use the new portable commode in the kitchen. She has not had a bowel movement in the last two days.
My heart is very heavy knowing that I am going to put her in a nursing home soon. I know that it will be the best thing for her because they will be able to take care of her needs better than I ever could. They will never love her as much as I do though. My love for her has grown deeper over these last fifty years, since we first met, and the forty nine years of our marriage.
I have lived a wonderful life having her at my side. She has made my life complete and has given it meaning. Looking back I could never imaging ever being without her. They talk about soul mates and I always thought the expression was just a cute cliché. I know first hand the meaning of true love and what it’s like to be so much apart of some one that you are truly one.
Life right now seems all wrong to me. I know that God is always in control and always knows what He is doing. I know that for real because He brought J into my life. Why He is taking her away from me one day at a time is almost more than I can take. I pray that He will reach out and heal her but He hasn’t done what I pray for. Her friend the Blessed Mother has also not answered my prayers. Why, why I ask and no answer comes and I cry at night to know that tomorrow will be worst than today.
This morning I give her orange juice and cinnamon raisin toast. She hasn’t touched the juice and only ate one small piece of toast because I put it in her trembling fingers. Her eyes are closed as her head rest against the right wing of her chair. What dreams is she having? Am I ever in them? Is life real for her in her dreams or is it the same as when she is awake, empty of memory. Does she know somewhere that I suffer so much not having her with me to share the fullness of life?
What will tomorrow be like without her physical presence here beside me? I sleep in a new bed without her so she can sleep better. It’s not better for me because we are not together and I miss her. This thing that is taking her away from me in her mind is taking her away from me physically too. Some day soon we will be separated by miles rather than the measure of our living room. The hurt within me is so intense that I can’t put it in words.
To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved is bandied about. Those words are so hollow! To lose the love of your life right before your eyes, year by year and then day by day has broken my heart beyond belief. I love you J more than this thing that has cause me so much pain and I will love you for the rest of my years. You will always be the love of my life. Wherever you are you will always be with me no matter if it’s physical or mental separation. I will wait for the day that we will be together once more for all time without the agony of this present separation.
Love forever,
Me
REFLECTIONS OF MY LOVE
I’m sitting here on this Friday morning March 16, 2007. There is a mixture of snow and rain outside and the temperature is around 32 degrees. It’s 8:30 in the morning and I am waiting for the delivery of a hospital bed for J. She is still sleeping in her red chair that she has slept in for the past three nights while I have slept on the new sleeper sofa right next to her. Last night she again talked in her sleep but never got up to wander around.
Since she has been on this new medication she has calmed down considerable. The trade off is that she can’t move to well and seems to be always tired. She also hasn’t been going to the bathroom too much. Last night she did use the new portable commode in the kitchen. She has not had a bowel movement in the last two days.
My heart is very heavy knowing that I am going to put her in a nursing home soon. I know that it will be the best thing for her because they will be able to take care of her needs better than I ever could. They will never love her as much as I do though. My love for her has grown deeper over these last fifty years, since we first met, and the forty nine years of our marriage.
I have lived a wonderful life having her at my side. She has made my life complete and has given it meaning. Looking back I could never imaging ever being without her. They talk about soul mates and I always thought the expression was just a cute cliché. I know first hand the meaning of true love and what it’s like to be so much apart of some one that you are truly one.
Life right now seems all wrong to me. I know that God is always in control and always knows what He is doing. I know that for real because He brought J into my life. Why He is taking her away from me one day at a time is almost more than I can take. I pray that He will reach out and heal her but He hasn’t done what I pray for. Her friend the Blessed Mother has also not answered my prayers. Why, why I ask and no answer comes and I cry at night to know that tomorrow will be worst than today.
This morning I give her orange juice and cinnamon raisin toast. She hasn’t touched the juice and only ate one small piece of toast because I put it in her trembling fingers. Her eyes are closed as her head rest against the right wing of her chair. What dreams is she having? Am I ever in them? Is life real for her in her dreams or is it the same as when she is awake, empty of memory. Does she know somewhere that I suffer so much not having her with me to share the fullness of life?
What will tomorrow be like without her physical presence here beside me? I sleep in a new bed without her so she can sleep better. It’s not better for me because we are not together and I miss her. This thing that is taking her away from me in her mind is taking her away from me physically too. Some day soon we will be separated by miles rather than the measure of our living room. The hurt within me is so intense that I can’t put it in words.
To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved is bandied about. Those words are so hollow! To lose the love of your life right before your eyes, year by year and then day by day has broken my heart beyond belief. I love you J more than this thing that has cause me so much pain and I will love you for the rest of my years. You will always be the love of my life. Wherever you are you will always be with me no matter if it’s physical or mental separation. I will wait for the day that we will be together once more for all time without the agony of this present separation.
Love forever,
Me
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