Mad/angry/frustrated

And that's just the tip of the ice burg. The only thing I'm not sure of is, who exactly I'm mad/angry/frustrated with. a lot of people is the first answer but I know it is really me. I'm lost.

I hate my job. I hate that people are cc' ed on e-mails that don't concern them and I want to know why. whatever reason they would give me I wouldn't believe it. I've talked to this person several times about it and they give the same old BS excuse B/c the boss said. & yet when i cc'ed their boss they got all upset. why is it okay for them to get upset but not me? someone please explain that.

I hate my job B/c I feel as though I have no respect. my anniversary just past and I'm the one who has to ask for a review and if I don't I'll never get a raise. a pitiful raise the same raise I have gotten the last four years. so I have to figure out how to do this. they don't care that I'm at work every %&#$$&_$&_ day at 8:00 and that i only take a 1/2 hour lunch 4 out of 5 times. that doesn't matter to them. but yet if i have to take an hour lunch and i come back 5 minutes after the appointed hour has ended i know damn well that an e-mail will be sent to me. that is such bs. i do my job, i do it to the best of my ability and for them to send an e-mail.......to me, that is just childish. and i want out asap.

mom and dad. dad and mom. they are in my life but no longer a part of it. dad is treating me like his surrogate wife and I don't want that. I want my own life. I want to be able to go out and not have to speak with him the next day and him telling me that I went out and what time I got home. I don't want to hear the problems he is having w/the dog. HE IS NOT TRAINING IT and that's why he is having trouble with. today he told me he wants to get rid of it. he has these grandiose ideas of how things will be getting better and yet when he has to work at something he doesn't and gets frustrated.

he loves my mom. he loves her more than anything else in the world. he wants to spend 24/7 with her, but the nursing home won't allow it. he is running himself ragged and I'm supposed to fix it. I've tried I've given him suggestions on what he should do. I told him to get the dog, figuring that it would keep him busy when he was tanning it. I was wrong.

now this week he is going camping. CAMPING! at 74 w/my sister and niece. and then he starts talking about getting an RV. wtf?!? he bought a boat that I told him not to buy and as soon as the last payment was due he decided that he didn't want it. then what I had to do to try and get his money back. I swear if he does get and RV I will have nothing to do w/him. I just can't. I want to live and I can't watching him every day.

I want to go out and have fun w/o worrying what is going on with him. I get it, he's lonely and he wants my mom. we all want my mom back but it's not going to happen. she has Alzheimer's there is not cure. no matter what my father says she is not getting better.

mom. mom who made everything work. who had a way about her. she was Mrs. fix-it. she was the voice of sanity in our insane world. she's no longer with us and I'm angry. not at her per se but god. Why? I know it has been said that god doesn't give you anything you can't handle but really I don't think this family can handle this.

one of mom's friend's past away this week. Being Catholic deaths, weddings, and births comes in 3's. I am praying that mom will be death #2 or #3. Horrible. I know but I think we will be so much better off. Alzheimer's is known as the long good-bye. and we've been saying good bye for 7 years now. it's time. maybe it's because I'm selfish and I don't want to deal with all this family drama but how longer can I go on living w/o really living?

it's time.

words that don't come easy for me

trust me
i love you
i promise
i have not yet said the above to anyone.

i know why the words "trust me" is difficult to say, i'm not sure it's true. & if i say those words i not only want you to believe in them & in me, but i also have to believe in them. i know what i am capable of, i know i can turn on a dime on someone, i believe in vengeance, an eye for an eye.

i have never said the words "i love you" to anyone that i was dating. i never felt that i did love them. and i'm not going to say something i don't believe in just b/c that person wants to hear them to make them feel better. it would be a lie, i would have to live with. and that's not something i want to live with.

the reason i don't make promises. is b/c i feel as thought cannot. there are too many uncertain variables. and i want to keep that thing i promised you. to me it's a vow. something i take very seriously. something i don't want to break. in my mind if i don't promise you but say i will try my hardest and it doesn't come to fruition and i know that i gave it 100% although i have failed you know that i tried & i didn't break the promise.

i know it may sounds as though i have high morals/values or that i'm totally off my rocker. but these are sayings that mean a great deal to me & i cannot simply say them until THAT one person comes into my life and makes me want to say them. say them with ease and without guilt. until then, these words won't pass my lips but i wish i could utter.