We put Mom in the nursing home on Wednesday, March 28, SS. J& A Residence. Dad is crushed and lost w/o her.
I'm okay with it. I didn't cry or break down when I saw her there. it is the best possible place for her. I truly believe this.
What kills me is seeing my dad. he is so......i dunno.....not my dad.
When he called me in as state of panic on Wednesday, crying b/c the nursing home was demanding, DEMANDING $6000.00 or else...(FYI, IF YOU HAVE A LOVE ONE IN A NURSING HOME & THEY ARE WAITING APPROVAL FOR MEDICAID THE NURSING HOME HAS TO ACCEPT THEM AND YOU DON'T OWE THEM ANY MONEY!!!!) that's not my dad! Dad's are always supposed to be brave and strong. They can't panic. They can't cry. They can't be anything but superhuman. And that's when I realized that dad was human.
When I see him trying to be brave and when he gives her kisses and tells her he loves her that's when I lose it. I have to turn my head I feel as though I am invading on their private and most personal moments.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Is it better to have loved and lost then to have never have loved at all?
My dad wrote this love letter to my mom, she is in the 6th stage of Alzheimer’s, there are 7, and after reading this I’m not sure I want to fall it love b/c even though they have/had a wonderful life together he is watching his wife of 48 years lose her memory of things they’ve shared and more importantly of him. And I’m not sure I’m strong enough to fall so hopelessly in love with someone. But who knows maybe I am. Time will tell. WARNING HAVE TISSUES ON HAND
REFLECTIONS OF MY LOVE
I’m sitting here on this Friday morning March 16, 2007. There is a mixture of snow and rain outside and the temperature is around 32 degrees. It’s 8:30 in the morning and I am waiting for the delivery of a hospital bed for J. She is still sleeping in her red chair that she has slept in for the past three nights while I have slept on the new sleeper sofa right next to her. Last night she again talked in her sleep but never got up to wander around.
Since she has been on this new medication she has calmed down considerable. The trade off is that she can’t move to well and seems to be always tired. She also hasn’t been going to the bathroom too much. Last night she did use the new portable commode in the kitchen. She has not had a bowel movement in the last two days.
My heart is very heavy knowing that I am going to put her in a nursing home soon. I know that it will be the best thing for her because they will be able to take care of her needs better than I ever could. They will never love her as much as I do though. My love for her has grown deeper over these last fifty years, since we first met, and the forty nine years of our marriage.
I have lived a wonderful life having her at my side. She has made my life complete and has given it meaning. Looking back I could never imaging ever being without her. They talk about soul mates and I always thought the expression was just a cute cliché. I know first hand the meaning of true love and what it’s like to be so much apart of some one that you are truly one.
Life right now seems all wrong to me. I know that God is always in control and always knows what He is doing. I know that for real because He brought J into my life. Why He is taking her away from me one day at a time is almost more than I can take. I pray that He will reach out and heal her but He hasn’t done what I pray for. Her friend the Blessed Mother has also not answered my prayers. Why, why I ask and no answer comes and I cry at night to know that tomorrow will be worst than today.
This morning I give her orange juice and cinnamon raisin toast. She hasn’t touched the juice and only ate one small piece of toast because I put it in her trembling fingers. Her eyes are closed as her head rest against the right wing of her chair. What dreams is she having? Am I ever in them? Is life real for her in her dreams or is it the same as when she is awake, empty of memory. Does she know somewhere that I suffer so much not having her with me to share the fullness of life?
What will tomorrow be like without her physical presence here beside me? I sleep in a new bed without her so she can sleep better. It’s not better for me because we are not together and I miss her. This thing that is taking her away from me in her mind is taking her away from me physically too. Some day soon we will be separated by miles rather than the measure of our living room. The hurt within me is so intense that I can’t put it in words.
To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved is bandied about. Those words are so hollow! To lose the love of your life right before your eyes, year by year and then day by day has broken my heart beyond belief. I love you J more than this thing that has cause me so much pain and I will love you for the rest of my years. You will always be the love of my life. Wherever you are you will always be with me no matter if it’s physical or mental separation. I will wait for the day that we will be together once more for all time without the agony of this present separation.
Love forever,
Me
REFLECTIONS OF MY LOVE
I’m sitting here on this Friday morning March 16, 2007. There is a mixture of snow and rain outside and the temperature is around 32 degrees. It’s 8:30 in the morning and I am waiting for the delivery of a hospital bed for J. She is still sleeping in her red chair that she has slept in for the past three nights while I have slept on the new sleeper sofa right next to her. Last night she again talked in her sleep but never got up to wander around.
Since she has been on this new medication she has calmed down considerable. The trade off is that she can’t move to well and seems to be always tired. She also hasn’t been going to the bathroom too much. Last night she did use the new portable commode in the kitchen. She has not had a bowel movement in the last two days.
My heart is very heavy knowing that I am going to put her in a nursing home soon. I know that it will be the best thing for her because they will be able to take care of her needs better than I ever could. They will never love her as much as I do though. My love for her has grown deeper over these last fifty years, since we first met, and the forty nine years of our marriage.
I have lived a wonderful life having her at my side. She has made my life complete and has given it meaning. Looking back I could never imaging ever being without her. They talk about soul mates and I always thought the expression was just a cute cliché. I know first hand the meaning of true love and what it’s like to be so much apart of some one that you are truly one.
Life right now seems all wrong to me. I know that God is always in control and always knows what He is doing. I know that for real because He brought J into my life. Why He is taking her away from me one day at a time is almost more than I can take. I pray that He will reach out and heal her but He hasn’t done what I pray for. Her friend the Blessed Mother has also not answered my prayers. Why, why I ask and no answer comes and I cry at night to know that tomorrow will be worst than today.
This morning I give her orange juice and cinnamon raisin toast. She hasn’t touched the juice and only ate one small piece of toast because I put it in her trembling fingers. Her eyes are closed as her head rest against the right wing of her chair. What dreams is she having? Am I ever in them? Is life real for her in her dreams or is it the same as when she is awake, empty of memory. Does she know somewhere that I suffer so much not having her with me to share the fullness of life?
What will tomorrow be like without her physical presence here beside me? I sleep in a new bed without her so she can sleep better. It’s not better for me because we are not together and I miss her. This thing that is taking her away from me in her mind is taking her away from me physically too. Some day soon we will be separated by miles rather than the measure of our living room. The hurt within me is so intense that I can’t put it in words.
To have loved and lost is better than to have never loved is bandied about. Those words are so hollow! To lose the love of your life right before your eyes, year by year and then day by day has broken my heart beyond belief. I love you J more than this thing that has cause me so much pain and I will love you for the rest of my years. You will always be the love of my life. Wherever you are you will always be with me no matter if it’s physical or mental separation. I will wait for the day that we will be together once more for all time without the agony of this present separation.
Love forever,
Me
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