I thought things were going well. I mean dad seemed to be on a somewhat sort of schedule with mom and I was feeling a little bit better. Not to guilty about certain things. I thought I could avoid my break-down.
I guess I counted my chickens before they hatched.
Today dad called me after he got home from visiting mom. He said that the Social Worker wanted to speak with him. He said okay.
Here is what he told him in a nutshell:
Wife isn't doing good. She is still violent, abusive, cursing, combative and then to add insult to injury she said that she is also racist. SW said that the doctors are trying to find the right meds to give her to calm her down but as of yet they haven't found it. If they don't find it soon (no time line) they will have to send her to a psychiatric ward at a hospital so they can figure out what to give her.
I'm sorry but isn't this a stage w/Alzheimer's patients? alz.org/alzheimers_deisease_stages_of alzheimers.asp states:
Stage 6: Severe cognitive decline(Moderately severe or mid-stage Alzheimer's disease)
Memory difficulties continue to worsen, significant personality changes may emerge and affected individuals need extensive help with customary daily activities.
Stage 7: Very severe cognitive decline(Severe or late-stage Alzheimer's disease)
This is the final stage of the disease when individuals lose the ability to respond to their environment, the ability to speak and, ultimately, the ability to control movement.
Frequently individuals lose their capacity for recognizable speech, although words or phrases may occasionally be uttered
Individuals need help with eating and toileting and there is general incontinence of urine
Individuals lose the ability to walk without assistance, then the ability to sit without support, the ability to smile, and the ability to hold their head up. Reflexes become abnormal and muscles grow rigid. Swallowing is impaired.
She is bit of both these stages.
There are a couple of things that bother me about what the SC said. One there is no time line on how long they are going to try and find the right meds to calm her down. Why are they thinking of putting her in the hospital? Aren't they supposed to be able to deal with this kind of behavior? I mean think about it, I realize my mom is far along w/Alz. BUT! BUT somewhere in the recesses of her mind she knows that if a stranger touches you, changing your clothes, your diaper, it is wrong. Wouldn't you fight with everything you have to make them stop??
I blame the nursing home. We've told them on countless occassions that my mother doesn't like loud noises and yet they scream her name. We've told them that they have to be forceful and yet gentle. Haven't they heard the old saying that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? I KNOW that they have 40 patients to deal with on the floor. I know they are getting paid minimum wage but if you want your job to be easier than if you could follow the 2 things we tell you day in and day out maybe just MAYBE she will co-operate.
The other thing about what the SW said that really bothers me is that she called my mom a racist. That is not my mom. She didn't raise us to be that way so how can she be one now? She would become very angry with us if we ever said ANYTHING derogatory. It's because of the Alz. I know it is. And I would think that the SW would know this too. And does she think that telling my dad would help matters?
I just have so many questions. And so much anger. I had a mini-break down at work today. I don't know how much longer I will be able to put on a brave face. I don't think much longer. I'm about to break and there is no one to put back the pieces.
What happens next?
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
The drama of yesterday
I am not a drama queen, at least I like to think that I am not. BUt lately I feel as though I am. My safe world, the world I've tried so hard to protect is slowing crumbling down around me.
Last night dad called me to tell me the woes of my sister. It seems earlier in the day her boyfriend had "taken" the car. Gave her the excuse that he would wait in the car for her while she put on her make-up when she went downstairs the bf and the car were gone. And of course there was no way to get a hold of him b/c he didn't have his cell phone. My sister called my dad to tell him that the bf was gone and there was no way to get a hold of him. What should she do?, she cried to him.
Considering on Thursday the bad day my mother had and also my father this was not something he wanted to hear or deal with. He told her to wait it out. Wait 12 hours and if he doesn't return then call the cops. The cops. Not something my sister wanted to deal w/considering that she had a run in w/them last weekend in Washington, NJ. (btw if you are EVER in Washington, NJ get out of that town ASAP! The cops told my sister's lawyer this is how the town makes their money. They pull out-of-towners over for minor infractions & for whatever else they deem necessary and...well...JUST STAY OF WASHINGTON, NJ) So calling the cops was something she DID NOT want to do.
Thankfully(?) the bf came back. He gave no excuse as to why he disappeared. Then sometime in the afternoon th bf's brother came and took him home. The bf's mother thought not only was the bf a danger to himself but to my sister as well. What an amazing woman!!! So she sent the brother to come and bring him back down south.
I found out the bf his paranoid and he has been off his medication for a while now. NOt only is he paranoid BUT he is also an alcoholic and a bit of a drug user, soft stuff. GREAT! And the reason for his toy gun is to protect my sister. This sounds like a really bad movie. The little I know about paranoia (all from the movies and news) the outlook does not look good for either of them. Especially w/the toy guns and the claim of protecting her!!
I'm glad that his mom is taking the initiative since neither the bf nor my sister can. Hopefully now, he will get the help he needs and my sister will start to feel better and will try to pull her life together. She will get the help that she also needs. Slowly.
And she will stay away from him and vice versa. But since I know my sister, I don't think she will. Her mo is always the same when it comes to guys: find the most fucked up guy in the world, fall in love with him, pick up his bad habits and then try to heal him and when she can't fall apart. She needs their love. SHE NEEDS THEIR LOVE?? She can't be alone. She is afraid of being alone. If she doens't have a man in her life she is lost. No matter how bad he may be for her. She needs a man. It's like sex = love. She can't differentiate between the two.
What scares me more than anything is that if my dad pre-deceases my mom I will feel as though I am stuck (horrible) taking care of not only my mom but sister as well. Just because I feel it is my resposibility b/c I'm the oldest. Here's the thing: I want to know when my life begins? For most of my life I haven't done things b/c I ddin't want to disappoint my parent. It's a guilt that I don't think I could live with. I mean I still haven't come out to my dad nor did I come out to my mom. It's not something a good God fearing, Catholic man could live with. And that tears me apart.
I guess it's also why I'm not in any kind of relationship b/c that would mean I would have to tell him and right now is not the time. Not with all that is going on in his life.
So what do I? How am I going to handle this? Am I making a mountain out of an ant hill? Worrying about things I have no control of? I want my mom back. I've always thought my mom was always stronger than my dad. Not that this wouldn't affect her but I feel as though I could talk to her and she would have the answers to these questions and others that I have.
Last night dad called me to tell me the woes of my sister. It seems earlier in the day her boyfriend had "taken" the car. Gave her the excuse that he would wait in the car for her while she put on her make-up when she went downstairs the bf and the car were gone. And of course there was no way to get a hold of him b/c he didn't have his cell phone. My sister called my dad to tell him that the bf was gone and there was no way to get a hold of him. What should she do?, she cried to him.
Considering on Thursday the bad day my mother had and also my father this was not something he wanted to hear or deal with. He told her to wait it out. Wait 12 hours and if he doesn't return then call the cops. The cops. Not something my sister wanted to deal w/considering that she had a run in w/them last weekend in Washington, NJ. (btw if you are EVER in Washington, NJ get out of that town ASAP! The cops told my sister's lawyer this is how the town makes their money. They pull out-of-towners over for minor infractions & for whatever else they deem necessary and...well...JUST STAY OF WASHINGTON, NJ) So calling the cops was something she DID NOT want to do.
Thankfully(?) the bf came back. He gave no excuse as to why he disappeared. Then sometime in the afternoon th bf's brother came and took him home. The bf's mother thought not only was the bf a danger to himself but to my sister as well. What an amazing woman!!! So she sent the brother to come and bring him back down south.
I found out the bf his paranoid and he has been off his medication for a while now. NOt only is he paranoid BUT he is also an alcoholic and a bit of a drug user, soft stuff. GREAT! And the reason for his toy gun is to protect my sister. This sounds like a really bad movie. The little I know about paranoia (all from the movies and news) the outlook does not look good for either of them. Especially w/the toy guns and the claim of protecting her!!
I'm glad that his mom is taking the initiative since neither the bf nor my sister can. Hopefully now, he will get the help he needs and my sister will start to feel better and will try to pull her life together. She will get the help that she also needs. Slowly.
And she will stay away from him and vice versa. But since I know my sister, I don't think she will. Her mo is always the same when it comes to guys: find the most fucked up guy in the world, fall in love with him, pick up his bad habits and then try to heal him and when she can't fall apart. She needs their love. SHE NEEDS THEIR LOVE?? She can't be alone. She is afraid of being alone. If she doens't have a man in her life she is lost. No matter how bad he may be for her. She needs a man. It's like sex = love. She can't differentiate between the two.
What scares me more than anything is that if my dad pre-deceases my mom I will feel as though I am stuck (horrible) taking care of not only my mom but sister as well. Just because I feel it is my resposibility b/c I'm the oldest. Here's the thing: I want to know when my life begins? For most of my life I haven't done things b/c I ddin't want to disappoint my parent. It's a guilt that I don't think I could live with. I mean I still haven't come out to my dad nor did I come out to my mom. It's not something a good God fearing, Catholic man could live with. And that tears me apart.
I guess it's also why I'm not in any kind of relationship b/c that would mean I would have to tell him and right now is not the time. Not with all that is going on in his life.
So what do I? How am I going to handle this? Am I making a mountain out of an ant hill? Worrying about things I have no control of? I want my mom back. I've always thought my mom was always stronger than my dad. Not that this wouldn't affect her but I feel as though I could talk to her and she would have the answers to these questions and others that I have.
Friday, April 20, 2007
highs are high & lows are low
When my mom has a good day, dad is euphoric, but when she has a bad day, dad is totally distraught. Last night was a prime example. I went to his home and he looked like he got the shit beaten out of him. Disheveled and tired ready to give up on everything. This has me worried. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do?
Dad says this is the longest wake he has ever been to b/c he has been in mourning for the past 6 years.
To make matters worse, my sister is basically having a mental/nervous break down. My dad is telling her to seek help but all she will say is I know, I know. He doesn't want to hear about her problems b/c he is worried about my mom and how is he supposed to take care of her when he is not with her 24/7? But he listens and gives her advice but like he says you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. And he has been leading my sister to water for 40 years. Maybe if mom was okay he would be more forceful in telling her what to do but right now he can't.
I can't talk to her b/c we are not on speaking terms and haven't been for 2 years. And even if we were I still couldn't speak w/her because we are polar opposites. We have nothing in common. NOTHING and I would probably tell her the same thing dad is telling her and if she's not listening to dad why would she ever listen to me?????
Highs are high and lows are low and we are at a low point right now. And, unfortunately, I really don't think this is the lowest it is going to go.
Dad says this is the longest wake he has ever been to b/c he has been in mourning for the past 6 years.
To make matters worse, my sister is basically having a mental/nervous break down. My dad is telling her to seek help but all she will say is I know, I know. He doesn't want to hear about her problems b/c he is worried about my mom and how is he supposed to take care of her when he is not with her 24/7? But he listens and gives her advice but like he says you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. And he has been leading my sister to water for 40 years. Maybe if mom was okay he would be more forceful in telling her what to do but right now he can't.
I can't talk to her b/c we are not on speaking terms and haven't been for 2 years. And even if we were I still couldn't speak w/her because we are polar opposites. We have nothing in common. NOTHING and I would probably tell her the same thing dad is telling her and if she's not listening to dad why would she ever listen to me?????
Highs are high and lows are low and we are at a low point right now. And, unfortunately, I really don't think this is the lowest it is going to go.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
What Dad has taught me today about dying
Nobody tells you what has to be done when someone you love dies. I don't know of any books out there to say: "THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO" if there is, e-mail me at lucille104 at gmail. com.
So with mom now in the nursing home for a little over week dad has been talking non-stop about dying. But just the dying part not anything else. So today before we went to visit mom I summed up the courage to ask him what has to be done.
This is what he told me:
Where the will is and that I have to contact the lawyer
The house is in my name ( I knew this already) and since it was in my name I am responsible for paying all the bills that go along w/the the house until the house is sold.
Land tax, water tax, electric, Gas, & telephone.
I also have to cancel the car insurance and notify his insurance company. I have to have at least a dozen death certificates, which you get from the funeral home. He also told which funeral parlor he wanted to be viewed at.
I have to notify Social Security, where he worked before retiring and Fidelity about his death for various reasons.
He also told me to not only get in touch with his lawyer but also our accountant because there will be taxes I will have to pay and she will tell me how much so I can put away that money.
This may sound morbid but I don't want to fail my dad and I want to carry out his wishes and if I don't ask him who else is there to ask that would know? Nobody.
Like me he is scared.
But the world is still spinning on its axis and will continue to do so even when I'm gone.
So with mom now in the nursing home for a little over week dad has been talking non-stop about dying. But just the dying part not anything else. So today before we went to visit mom I summed up the courage to ask him what has to be done.
This is what he told me:
Where the will is and that I have to contact the lawyer
The house is in my name ( I knew this already) and since it was in my name I am responsible for paying all the bills that go along w/the the house until the house is sold.
Land tax, water tax, electric, Gas, & telephone.
I also have to cancel the car insurance and notify his insurance company. I have to have at least a dozen death certificates, which you get from the funeral home. He also told which funeral parlor he wanted to be viewed at.
I have to notify Social Security, where he worked before retiring and Fidelity about his death for various reasons.
He also told me to not only get in touch with his lawyer but also our accountant because there will be taxes I will have to pay and she will tell me how much so I can put away that money.
This may sound morbid but I don't want to fail my dad and I want to carry out his wishes and if I don't ask him who else is there to ask that would know? Nobody.
Like me he is scared.
But the world is still spinning on its axis and will continue to do so even when I'm gone.
Friday, April 6, 2007
?
If a man delivers your mail he is called a mailman BUT what happens if it's a woman?
Is she then called a female woman???
Is she then called a female woman???
Thursday, April 5, 2007
3 steps back
dad's thoughts about mom
My thoughts
J has been in the nursing home for 6 days now. She is afraid of the people there that care for her and those that are being cared for. She does not want to be there. She looks for me all the time when I am not there. What am I to do? I have such a feeling of guilt that I gave the ok to put her there. Is there a way that I can take her home and care for her myself as I was? What are the consequences if I do? What happens with Medicaid? What would it cost me in money for the care she has already received? If I bring her home can I get some one in to help me care for her? What will be the cost? Is it the best thing to do for J? Is it the best thing to do for me? What should I do? Should I do it at all? Should I do anything at all? Should I just wait and see how things play out for a while? I love her so much that I can’t stand to see her unhappy. And she is so helpless and I know they try to care for her but it’s not enough. Its more cattle like care. If I’m not there or someone else then they take her to the common room whether she likes it or not and she doesn’t like it or want to go. They treat her abruptly when they undress or dress her or change her diaper; she hates it and strikes out. She tries to hide from them when I’m there and does not want to go near the common room. When they try to feed her it’s just a job to them and she just will not eat for them. It’s the same when they give her pills. It just breaks my heart and I just want to hold and protect her. When I’m not there I can’t protect her from her fears or worries. She is my J and I want her to feel safe and cared for. I don’t think she will ever feel that there. I don’t want to abandon her just so it will be the best thing for me. What should I do?
My thoughts
J has been in the nursing home for 6 days now. She is afraid of the people there that care for her and those that are being cared for. She does not want to be there. She looks for me all the time when I am not there. What am I to do? I have such a feeling of guilt that I gave the ok to put her there. Is there a way that I can take her home and care for her myself as I was? What are the consequences if I do? What happens with Medicaid? What would it cost me in money for the care she has already received? If I bring her home can I get some one in to help me care for her? What will be the cost? Is it the best thing to do for J? Is it the best thing to do for me? What should I do? Should I do it at all? Should I do anything at all? Should I just wait and see how things play out for a while? I love her so much that I can’t stand to see her unhappy. And she is so helpless and I know they try to care for her but it’s not enough. Its more cattle like care. If I’m not there or someone else then they take her to the common room whether she likes it or not and she doesn’t like it or want to go. They treat her abruptly when they undress or dress her or change her diaper; she hates it and strikes out. She tries to hide from them when I’m there and does not want to go near the common room. When they try to feed her it’s just a job to them and she just will not eat for them. It’s the same when they give her pills. It just breaks my heart and I just want to hold and protect her. When I’m not there I can’t protect her from her fears or worries. She is my J and I want her to feel safe and cared for. I don’t think she will ever feel that there. I don’t want to abandon her just so it will be the best thing for me. What should I do?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)