Preoccupied

ever since mom went into the nursing home, 6 months ago, i've been preoccupied w/death and dying, dying and death. and it has gotten the best of me. i'm forever in a foul, pissy-ass, nasty mood. oh sure, every once in a blue moon i'm "happy' but those are moments, nano seconds, and they are few and far between.

this whole thing has me angry and scared. mostly scared. i don't feel as though i'm prepared for it. how does one prepare for the death of one's parent? what do you do? yeah, my dad has told me, but telling and doing, two different things. i feel as though i'm going to fail.

& i don't know how to break this cycle. how do i get out of this funk? how do i stop worrying and start living again? am i going to wait until my parents are gone before i allow myself to be happy and to start living? that can happen in a few short months or it could be years! i don't want to wait! i want to be happy again. i want to live again. i want to be that care-free girl who likes to make people laugh. i want, i want, I WANT!

so how do i stop thinking about death and dying, dying and death? i'm opened to any suggestions.

another thing that has my mood in the toilet is the love life, or lack thereof. i really need someone in my life. someone who will take my mind off my parents and let me focus on her for awhile and she also has to be able to put up with my sudden bitchiness.

it sucks being single when the rest of your friends are involved with someone. you always feel like the third wheel. don't get me wrong, i'm happy for them. i'm also a little jealous. okay a lot jealous. not because they are in a relationship, but because i'm not. i want to be in one just right now.....i have more excuses than God has miracles as to why i'm not.

i really do need an attitude adjustment