1st holiday w/o mom

thanksgiving. we're supposed to give thanks. but how can i when my mom is in a nursing home suffering from Alzheimer's? and my dad is lost without her?

this is the first holiday without my mom being home. there was no prepping the food.there was no turkey roasting in the oven at 6:00 this morning. there was no homemade bake beans (only cooked once a year). no homemade bread. no stuffed mushrooms, no artichokes, no anti pasta, no yams, no stuffing, no salad, no mashed potatoes, stuffing, no home made pies, apple & raisin squares but more importantly there is no sense of family.

since my mom was affected w/this awful disease my family has become broken. my sister and i don't talk. i'm not allowed to speak w/my niece.

my dad and i went to visit mom today and on the drive there he said in a choked up voice, "this is the first time j isn't here for the holiday." i realized that too when i woke up this morning. i didn't have a comment.

we got to the nursing home round 10:30. mom was her usual sedated self. we went downstairs to get off that floor. it really is depressing. 'round 11:45 we went back to her room to get her ready for lunch. around noon time my sister, niece and my niece's friend came barging in. we exchanged grunt that were supposed to be happy thanksgiving. and then my sister just starting yammering on about nothing. at 12:15 it was time for all 3 of them to leave. it seems they had somewhere IMPORTANT to go. what is more important then spending time with your family?

look, i'm no saint. far from it, and i admit i HATE being there. HATE. HATE. HATE. i dread the weekends but its an obligation not a death sentence i see it as an act of love. this is mom. but the sister had to go.

my dad said, after she left that she was happy that they left b/c my mom was becoming agitated. there was too much noise for her.

we left the nursing home 'round 1:30. we had reservations for a thanksgiving dinner. we left the restaurant probably just before 2. there really isn't anything to talk about with my dad. he really didn't want to be with me. i'm just a substitute for my mom and a poor one at that. & to tell you the truth i didn't want to be with him. i wanted to be with my family. my entire messed up family. b/c that's what the holidays are about. not this loneliness & lost that me and my dad are feeling.

it's true what they say about Alzheimer, it's the long good-bye.

christmas is right around the corner and that' was even a bigger celebration in my household then thanksgiving i wonder how we are going to survive that. but i guess if we survived thanks giving we will survive christmas.